I don't even know if I can do this. My mind is weary and my thoughts are scattered. And death is all around me. In fact it consumes me as I still search for answers and try to understand them all. My mother committed suicide by shooting herself in the head when I was 5, when I was 7 daddys girlfriend let me sleep with her one night and she died lying right beside me. I tried in vain to wake her up. When I was 14 my sister Sandy became a missing person, and about a year later my daddy died right in front of me in our living room and 6 months after that my missing sisters skeletal remains were found she had been kidnapped,Raped,then her killers tried to beat her to death but she didn't die so they tried breaking her neck, then they stabbed her in the chest and abdomen numerous times, then slit her throat, and she managed to raise herself up on one elbow so they grabbed a rock and threw it on her head. A couple years later I came home one day and found my fiancée dead in our bedroom, and 4 months after that my other sister dee dee committed suicide. And then on may 16th 2012 my sister Tammy was murdered by her boyfriend. And  after several months of trying to lie about it police finally admit her boyfriend killed her but they say that cant arrest him because he was mentally insane when he killed her and their county has no funding to house the mentally ill therefore they have nowhere to put him, So this physcopath insane person with a long history of violence against women who murdered my sister remains free to roam the streets and he lives just 30 miles away from me and goes through random phases of stalking me. Several months after after she died, the police  who were investigating her death called to warn me that they had reason to believe that her boyfriend might be making plans to take me to truckee and kill me also, They suggested I go file an emergency protective order....YEA LIKE A PIECE OF PAPER IS GOING TO STOP A HOMICIDAL MANIAC FROM COMMITTING ANOTHER MURDER. He is 6"3 and weighs 300 lbs. He showed up on my doorstep at midnight wanting to watch a movie. Im haunted and scared by the violent deaths of my entire family that Im still struggling to understand. I feel like a sitting duck with him. Nothing feels safe anymore because the people I counted on for protection are all dead. I miss my family. I feel alone and terrified and worried and restless. I sit here with my grief and my thoughts, and my fears and depression and it keeps me stuck in a dark place that I cant find my way out of at times and there are moments when I think dying would be easier. But I can tell you this...No matter how deep into this nightmare I have to fall, I vowed to myself that I wont be the third member of my family to commit suicide, Nor will I be the third member of my family to be murdered.