My mom died a couple of months ago after battling 3 1/2 years with lung and bone cancer.  You rarely hear about anything besides breast cancer in women, so we (my sister and I) didn't know how to cope very well.  We got past that, and helped Mom the best we could.  My stepdad wasn't much help, but we didn't really dwell on that--until right before she died.

I have never been around someone so crass, uncaring and blatantly rude in my life.  He'd been a part of our lives for 25 years, and we thought we knew him.  HA!  His main focus was the life insurance check.  When would it come (she wasn't even dead yet!)?  Was it paid up?  What did he need to do to get the process started?  Every day, something was said about that damned check.

But it got worse!  My husband took it upon himself to start a list of memories--some to be read at the funeral, but most to just reminisce about Mom and her life.  My mom's brother and his wife were over one afternoon, sharing stories, and I was in Mom's room sitting with her.  My stepdad came in and heard them laughing and said, "Is she dead yet?"  My uncle 'bout strangled him, and my sister was speechless.  Mom was still pretty coherent, but I don't know if she heard him or not.  I could NOT believe anyone could be so unfeeling!

He would make comments like that from time to time, so it wasn't just a one-time thing.  One evening when some friends of his brought dinner, he was relating the story of her last week when she was spacey and a little out of it.  And he was LAUGHING about it!  I couldn't take it anymore, and my husband took me out to dinner, just to get away.  My aunt later told me he called me a b__ch and said all he had for dinner that night was beer and peanuts.  The man is fully capable of taking something from the fully-stocked fridge and heating it up in the microwave, but calls me out?

Immediately following her service (at 10am), he went out to the shed and started drinking.  My uncle (the same one as before) went out to see how he was doing.  He said "I haven't celebrated in 3 1/2 years--I'm gonna start now!"  wow.  Just when I thought he couldn't stoop any lower . . .  I was so sad for my mom, hoping he hadn't been like this the whole time, but knowing he probably had. 

My sister and I found her journal the night before she died.  He was always mad at her, always ignoring her, always gone doing something.  She had been totally reliant on him for food, help to the bathroom, everything, and he deserted her!  He insisted he was "fulfilling his marital obligation" and "standing by her", but I never saw it.

When we were finding containers for her ashes, my sister and I were wondering what size containers to get, as we each were to get a portion to scatter as we chose.  He said "whatever doesn't fit in the container, we can just dump out".  I couldn't believe it!  Even after all he'd been saying and doing, he just kept hurting us more and more.  And didn't seem to realize or care.

2 weeks after her funeral, he sent us messages ON FACEBOOK that he was seeing someone--a good friend of Mom's.  TWO WEEKS!!! Insane!  When we called him on it, he just said he was "sorry he wasn't living up to others' acceptances".

I don't know that I can ever forgive him.  We have written him letters telling him that what he said hurt us deeply.  We recounted his words and actions and asked for reasons or explanations.  We told him we want nothing more to do with him, and that he has driven us away with his comments and actions.  He has never acknowledged his words or actions, nor given us a reason.  He says he's sorry we feel that way and wants us to know he still loves us.  LOVE?  Calling me names, talking to my Mom like that, treating her like that?  LOVE?  REALLY?!?!?!?

What's hardest to accept is that every time I remember Mom, his words come to mind.  Every time I want to grieve for her, memories of what he said and did creep in, and I can't properly mourn my mother.  It makes me so angry that he has tainted even my memories of her, and I can't seem to stop it.

I have lost interest in the things that used to thrill me. If I didn't have a family and house to care for, and places I am expected to be every day, I don't think I'd get out of bed most days.  It's been a little over 2 months, and I am still so furious with him. 

My husband has told me I will never go to that house alone, and he's never going back.  There are still some of Mom's things I'd like to have, but I may never get them.  I don't think I could ever face him without wanting to hit him.  And even if I did, he STILL wouldn't apologize or even acknowledge he did anything wrong. He'll never understand why I'm so mad. And that just infuriates me more.

I hope someday I'll be able to just remember Mom without remembering his cruelty, but I don't know if that's possible.