Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Doug on October 9, 2016 at 8:05pm

Pamela, I know exactly what you're saying as I have experienced the same thing. People grieve in different ways and some people take longer to get to the point where you can function normally. You're right, it's a lot easier just to say "I'm doing fine" when someone asks you how you're doing, rather than try and find the words you need to really describe how you're feeling. If you're lucky enough to find those words you'll suddenly realize that the majority of those who ask how you're doing are just asking to be nice. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not? I have been asked before "Why are you still upset" or "I would've thought that you'd be over it by now!!" I'm sorry that I don't have any magical words to help you, but please know that I, and I'm sure the majority of people on this site, are here if you need to talk some more. God Bless

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Permalink Reply by ShingingLight1967 on October 10, 2016 at 1:26pm

Oh Pamela, I know exactly where you are coming from.  I dont discuss my grief with many people anymore. I feel like people dont really care when they ask me how I am doing.  It's been 10 months and I feel like they are wanting me to say "I'm fine."  well, that's a lie. I am not fine, I miss my husband, every.single.day.

I live the life of a fraud because on the outside, I am going along to get along. I dont want to make people uncomfortable, they dont want to sit with me and understand exactly how I feel... but on the inside, I am completely and utterly lost.

Comedian Patton Oswalt who recently lost his wife suddenly has a response, that I now also use when people as him how he is doing.  He says "I'm here."

that's exactly how I feel...  I'm here, today... so.. there you go. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 10, 2016 at 7:37pm

I guess I'm lucky in that my family knows that I will never "get over" my husband's death, nor "move on" in any way. 

As far as other people, I do not say "Fine" when they ask how I am.  If I don't know them, which is usually the case (customers at work, for example), when they say "Hi, how are you?", I simply respond with "How are you?".  I find that they don't really even notice that I haven't directly responded to their question.  My family, and other people who know me, know better than to ask me that question, because I have explicitly asked them not to ask me, since my answer will always be the same and will never be what they want to hear.

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Permalink Reply by ShingingLight1967 on October 10, 2016 at 9:06pm

This past Saturday I went over to my BIL and SIL's house for the first time in months.  And of course, I get the questions..

And I let my BIL have it. I told him that every single day I struggle to make it through the day.  And that I understand he is grieving, he has a family to come home to.  He has a wife and kids that are with him, that help him through.  I dont, so yeah, I am not doing very well.

Probably never be invited back. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 10, 2016 at 9:13pm

Hopefully he will now better understand that he just shouldn't ask.

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Permalink Reply by Pamela philipp on October 11, 2016 at 11:06am

Thank you for that,I'm going to use that as my answer from now on and you're right no one will ever notice I didn't answer the question

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Permalink Reply by Michael on November 4, 2016 at 12:35pm

You are not totally alone. We are here. Not much but something. Those not grieving don't know what to say or can't face it. This does show us who we can count on and who we can't though, doesn't it?

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Permalink Reply by Pamela philipp on November 11, 2016 at 11:56am

Thankyou Michael sadly you are right I have learned a valuable lesson on who I can count on and who I can't and thank you for being here it does help a great deal to talk to someone who understands have a good day

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 18, 2016 at 10:03am

Pamela,

AMEN to that, all I have is my Babie J who is the sweetest thing next to my beloved Husband in Heaven.

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