After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 28, 2010 at 6:51am
Hope to talk to you tonight.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 28, 2010 at 8:01am
Meet too. Hope you had a good night and will have a good day.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 28, 2010 at 8:16am
me too. i think i will be good for all of us!!! have a good day!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 28, 2010 at 8:20am
Hi Renee, I hope you had a good holiday and weekend. Looking very myuch forward till tonight.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on December 1, 2010 at 4:12pm
So nice to talk to you Carol. I have been doing the roller coaster again. Sometimes it just hits me, and I cry like the first day. I miss Les so much. I don't feel well, but there is so much to be done here, that I cannot rest wither.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on December 1, 2010 at 4:29pm
Hi Cindy, it was good talking with you too. Yes, the roller coaster goes on for a while. Yesterday was 16 months that Rob was gone and for some reason I was ok most of the day but started crying around 8p till I went to sleep. It was awful. Today I woke up so early and couldn't fall back asleep. I let the dogs out only to see SNOW outside. I took a nerve pill and spent the rest of the day in bed. I hope you will feel better. Don't make yourself crazy. I know you have things that need to be done, but you can only do so much. Be easy on yourself and don't be so hard on yourself either. It's snowing and raining out now. I wish I could go to sleep and wak up in the spring. Well, you take care and like I said on the phone, any time you need to cry or vent, I'm here. Lots of hugs.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on December 8, 2010 at 10:12pm
Hi ladies. It's been rough the past week. I guess I feel okay during the day, but I haven't been able to sleep much. I get all down at night and just breakdown and cry. I miss Les so much, and I feel so alone without him here.

Hope you both are doing well.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on December 8, 2010 at 10:28pm
Hi Cindy, I'm sorry you've had a rough week. I know the feeling, I have the same problem. I honestly can't say when it will get easier because I'm still struggling. Nights are the worst for me too. I also cry like a baby when I come back from anywhere because I know Rob won't be here waiting for me. We just have to be tough. Sometimes I get so angry at Rob and yell out loud that he promised he wouldn't leave me, but he did. We just have to take one day at a time and get through each day. We were lucky to have someone who loved us dearly and whom we loved dearly. They will always be in our hearts. I hope you will have some better nights sleeping. I still unfortunately have to take sleeping pills. I never had to take them when Rob was here with me, but I just cannot fall asleep at nigh, so I take the pills otherwise I'm up all night. Do you have anything to take to help you sleep? Take care and hang in there. Lots of hugs your way.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on December 9, 2010 at 4:43am
it's so good to hear from u ladies. i am so very sorry u can't sleep. my problem is i sleep too much. i'm usally in bed anywhere between 6 and 8. i just don't want to stay away without den here to talk to. i have my son here, but it's not the same. he usually stays in his room doing is own thing. he's definally not dennis!!! i miss him so much and just wish he were here. i'm also having money problems. so that don't help. i understand why he had to go, why God needed him more, than i do. But i don't think it's fair. i hope we all have good holidays. so far mine isn't to bad. however it's not the same. thanks girls for listening. i love u both lots!! take care
Permalink Reply by Cindy on December 9, 2010 at 8:00am
I understand. I sleep fine during the day, but cannot sleep at night...sometimes even if I take something. My body clock is all out of whack. I feel like life isn't real without him. Physically feeling yucky and I think it's all part of grief. I hope you are both feeling good today.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on December 9, 2010 at 8:30am
cindy, do u take anything for depression. i have had to. otherwise i would cry all the time, instead of some of the time. i think i would be physcially yucky too if i didn't. i hate being without him, but i know i have no choice in the matter. i talk to God alot and also dennis. i know that probally sounds weird, but it helps me get though each day. we are both so young and i think that makes it even worse. at least that's how i feel. i truely hope u have a very good day. later
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on December 9, 2010 at 8:42am
Hi Cindy, hi Renee, I am so sorry we are all having such a hard time. The only time i can actually fall asleep is around 4p to take a nap and then it's only for an hour. I think I must fall asleep from exhaustion from crying. Renee, have you found a group yet? I talk to God and Rob constantly asking why he had to go? We finally found each other again, we had a second chance at a life together it just wasn't fair that it didn't last longer. And Cindy, there is nothing weird about anything we feel or do. It's all part of the grieving process and the way we feel. Today is thursday and Rob would be at dialysis now and we'd be talking on the phone. These days are hard for me to. And then when I come home from working out he would be here sitting on the couch smiling with my two yorkies waiting for me. It's just heartbreaking, but it's something we will all get through eventually. I am glad we have each other as sounding boards. I hope you both can have a good day. Lots of hugs.

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