After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 9, 2010 at 9:24am
I was at work yesterday evening. I am doing okay this morning. I cried last night at work. I too am lucky to work with some great people. I'm free Thursday eve. as far as I know.
Les has sent me songs on the radio and little things, that I just know he is with me, but the other night was the first time I dreamed of him. I miss him so much. Okay, crying again.
I too have physical problems. I have Ulcerative colitis and Primary Schlerosing Cholangitis and Asthma and back problems. I feel like I have always been sick. Les always went with me for tests and procedures. I had a problem with colon cancer and need another test to make sure it's not back, but I don't want to go with out him and am afraid of the cost. I have medical bills now that I cannot pay.
I feel so alone without Les. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the reason for most everything I did. It's been two months and I still feel like curling up in bed and sleeping all the time. I have moments where I actually get things done, but I have to force myself. When I am at work, I try to do what I am supposed to, but when I am home and alone, I fall apart or sleep a lot.
I know it will get a little better with time, but I feel so scared sometimes.
Well, I think I'll go read a little. Hope you are both doing good today.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 9, 2010 at 9:36am
Hi Cindy, it's funny I was just having a crying meltdown myself when I saw your note. I miss Rob so much i was looking at a video I took of him a few weeks before he passed. I know I shouldn't look at this video because it just rips me apart every time I look at it. I try not to, but sometimes I miss him so bad I have to look at it. He tells me he loves me in it and he has such a beautiful smile. I'm like you, Rob was my whole life and my reason for waking up each day. I have had asthma since 1996. I also have a terrible neuropathy from the bottom of my feet up to my waist. My legs and butt are tingling all the time, my legs and butt are also either icy hot or burning hot 24 hours a day and because of it i can't sit for more than 5 or ten minutes at a time and I can't walk for more than ten minutes without having to sit down. It's a horrible way to live but I do the best I can. I do had Rob come with me to all my drs appts and tests too, I feel lost without him now when i have to go. It's good that you can be yourself with the people you work with. I know too it will get better in time, but sometimes I feel like I'll never get over losing. He was also my first boyfriend when I was 15. We dated a few years and then circumstances pulled us apart but we got back together in 1988 and married in 1989. I guess you could say I got a second chance but 21 years was just not enough. Oh well, we just have to be strong and force outselves to do things we don't want or care to do You try and have a good day. I'll touch base with Renee and see if Thurs evening will be ok. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 9, 2010 at 4:03pm
oh, girls, i am so sorry your both crying. i wish i could do something to make u feel better. but i can't as i feel just as crappy. for some reason i am missing dennis a lot today. i haven't cried or anything like that, i just wish he were here with me. i hate coming home to a quiet house and there's no one to say "hi dear, how was your day?" i don't have to many health problems. i do think i have a bad case of brochitis right now. so i'm going to dr tomorrow. i had brain surgery 5 yrs ago to stop my seizure. it did work, but i'm still taking meds. hopefully when i go to the mayo clinic next week for a check up, the dr will lower some of my meds. thursday will be fine for our three way, just let me know what time. i'm sending hugs to both of u!!! i definally feel your pain.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 9, 2010 at 4:45pm
Hi Renee, thanks so much for your thoughts. Yes, it's very difficult coming home to an empty house every day. It's hard waking up and going to sleep without our loved one there, but that is something we just have to get used whether we like it or not. I hope things go ok with you at the doctor next week. Cindy lives in Michigan, where do you live? Send me your phone number by message through this website or through my email, i think I sent it to you and then I'll touch base with Cindy and see what time is good for her on Thursday. Hugs back to you and have a good night. Take care.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 9, 2010 at 8:47pm
Tough night. It probably seems silly to people who don't understand, but I miss watching tv with Les. We both liked the same shows and we would watch tv together, and now it seems like such a lonely thing to do. I watch certain shows, but a lot of them I just cannot sit still for, they seem silly or just not as interesting without Les.
So many activities we did together, now I just don't care.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 9, 2010 at 8:55pm
Hi Cindy, trust me, it doesn't seem silly at all. Rob and I loved the same shows and hated the same shows. I feel the same way, sometimes the minute a show we used to watch starts, i break down. Even new shows I'm watching now, I think, Rob would have loved this show. I know, it's super hard on us right now. It's like I tell my friends, my heart is just not in anything anymore. I do things with my friends, but I honestly can't say I had a great time like I used to with Rob. I don't truly enjoy doing things anymore. But I guess this too shall pass. So, is thurs night at 7pm ok? Renee lives in Iowa so i have to figure out what time that is. I hope you have a good night, and once again, if you need someone to talk to no matter what time, please don't hesitate to call me.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 9, 2010 at 9:21pm
7 should be fine, as far as I know now.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 10, 2010 at 7:12am
cindy, that is so true. dennis and i didn't watch the same shows, however he would sit in the living room with me and play on the computer while i watched my shows. now that he is gone, the shows aren't as interesting and i can't seem to sit still either. or even get ingrosed in them, like i did before. that really makes me stop and think, what elese is there? it's weird to me. i hope today is a better day for you and i look forward to talk with you and carol!!! hugs to you
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 10, 2010 at 7:46am
I had a dream with Les in it last night. It was a very odd dream, as dreams can be. It wasn't the same as the other one, but it was still nice to see his face.
I hear you Renee, I feel the same way. I have always been a tv watcher, and Les was too. He prefered to be out working on one of his many projects during the day, but at night, that was our time together.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 11, 2010 at 7:43am
Words, by Cindy

There are so many words in the world.

I loved words. I loved to write words.

I loved to read words.

Then you died.

Now words fail me.

Words stab through me.

"I came home and..."

"He's gone"

"Blood Clot"

"Funeral"

"Cemetary"

"Grief"

"Alone"

"Crying"

The worst ones, for me? "Without you"

Everything I do, every day since that day, is followed by those words.

There isn't a single thing I can do that isn't followed by those words--even breath.

I never imagined life--without you.

I cannot imagine life--without you.

I hate eating, sleeping, walking, driving, watching tv, even breathing--without you.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 11, 2010 at 8:52am
So moving Cindy and so true. We are all in the same boat but I think you're putting it in words somehow gets it out there and will be easier to deal with. I hope you are doing ok so far. Looking forward to our phone call tonight. I had a terrible night but hoping to have a better day. Take care.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 11, 2010 at 8:59am
I had a terrible night too! Couldn't get to sleep, couldn't stay asleep, woke up with a start at 5am...it was terrible. Then I tried to go through clothes this morning and some of them still smell like him, and I broke down crying. Cannot wait to talk to you both tonight, hope our days get better.

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