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After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate
I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on
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Hi Cindy, I know anniversaries more so can be very painful. It's like hard proof they're gone. Yes, some days we're pretty ok and some days we're terribly depressed. We just havde to keep pushing ahead and yes, it sucks that the one person we thought we could count on is no longer with us and that's just so totally beyond belief. But since we're the ones left behind we have to find a way to cope. I spend a lot of time alone too and sometimes drive myself absolutely crazy but somehow I get through it. Thankfully since Rob passed I've met two truly wonderful friends. One from my support group which truly helped me to make some friends and realize everything I was feeling is normal and my new next door neighbor who lost her husband in March. Without them I would truly be alone esp. since my 2 darling nephews have been totally avoiding me. Maybe one night we could even do a three way, I have three way calling. If you might want to do something like that let me know and we can pick a day and time. Also, I would suggest both you of you try and join a grief support group. You will meet other people who have a loss and feel just like you do. I mainly went because I had no no friends at all. I stopped after a year because when I thought I was doing ok, the new people who came along just brought back all the terrible memories from the night he died. But think about it. I hope you both will be ok today, if not i'm always here. Take care.
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on
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Well, I finally had a dream with Les by my side, he said Hi Honey and put his arm around me and kissed me, and my alarm went off!!! :) At least I saw him, and I felt warm and safe for a few seconds.
I talked with my friend today who lost two husbands, she is a great sorce of support for me. I thought about calling Carol, but wasn't sure if there was a time difference and how late I could call.
Today may be a good day, I feel pretty good right now. I hope it will be a good day for both of you.
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Hi Cindy, I pray for the day I can see Rob and feel him. I'm so glad you had that, cherish. I had a mixed day. My morning was a mess, the afternoon my neighbor came for dinner and some movies. After she left I lost it as usual. I just miss what we had together and for what we won't have in the future. I'm glad you had your friend to talk to. It's very important to have someone to talk to. Cindy, I live in Columbus, OH, I'm eastern standard time. I am usually up to 1a - 1:30a, so you can call me anytime, really. I'm glad you are feeling pretty good so far. I am getting ready to go work out in a little bit. Hope you have a good day and if you feel like calling I should be home after 4p. Take care. I also forward my home phone to my cell phone, so if you really need to talk earlier in the day, just call me.
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Carol,
I hope u get that day soon. it was awesome, but sad all at the same time. i think u are doing wonderful, because u seem so strong to me. i hope u have a good workout, and i will chat with u later! hugs to u too!!
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Hi Renee, I hope that day comes soon too. Till then, I just keep hoping. I did have a good work out. I'm home watching my soaps. I guess I'm stronger than I ever thought. I always thought I would totally fall apart if Rob died, but I'm still here and I still have my mind in tact. I just take it one day at a time. Each day is an effort but somehow I manage. I hope you remember too Renee that anytime you want to chat on the phone that would be great. I think it would be great if the three of us could chat at the same time, I have three-way calling. You hang in there and have a good afternoon. Hugs to you too.
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that's interesting that u say your still here carol, because today at work i told some people i couldn't believe it was almost 5 mos aready. and i must be doing ok, too, cause i'm still alive and have my brain in tack too. i gues we are stonger than we thought, cause i really thought i would be a basket case for a very long time. it's interesting i think, how we respond to such tragedy in our lives. i would love to talk to you, but it will have to be on my days off. would also love to talk to cindy. a three way would be awesome.
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Hi Renee, yes, I think we definitely are stronger than we think. I also thought I would be a basket case and lose my mind but I was wrong, although sometimes I am a complete mess. What days are you off from work? Let me know and Cindy if you are reading this, once Renee gives us her days off we can pick a day or evening that would be ok for all three of us to talk. I can call one of you and then add the other one on. I hope you both are having a good evening. Take care. Carol
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my days of alternate each week, cause of i work at the county jail. this week is thurs and friday. sometimes i'm a mess too. just u know someday i cry all day even at work. luckly i work with a great bunch of people and they are very patient and loving. but so far i'm doing well, and i haven't cried in about 3 wks. dennis wouldn't want to. he always said life goes on and thats what he wanted me to do. i'm trying. but i sure do miss him alot. u have a good evening to carol and cindy. so far its ok. God Bless u both!!!
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That's pretty good. I cry at least once a day and sometimes so much it hurts. I know Rob did not want me to be this way and I know his heart is breaking to see how I am sometimes, but I honestly can't help it I just miss him so. He was my whole life, half of me is gone and I have trouble dealing with that. So, what would be a good time on thurs or friday, afternoon or evening? Let me know and I'll send Cindy a message and see what's good for her. You have a good evening too.
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Cindy,
I had that kind of dream when it had been 2 mos that dennis was gone. he walked in and sat in my recliner. he said he was going to the airport with me and my sister. i asked why and he said he liked it there. i took that dream as he liked it in heavn!!! it has helped some, but i have my moments. i believe u will begin to heal now. at least i hope so. glad your having a good day and hope it continues!! hugs to you!!!
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I'm in Michigan, so we'd be same time. I have always believed that spirits visit us. Often they do it in dreams so as not to 'freak us out'. My grief kept Les away, but last night I guess I was open enough to see him. The day is going okay, it's just I have no energy to get things done. Maybe tomorrow.
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Hi Cindy. I've read and have been told that the grief keeps them away, I guess I'm still pretty bad off because I have yet to see or hear Rob anywhere. I wish that day would come soon. I just came back from working out, sometimes it's the only thing I can do the entire day, I force myself. It's actually pretty nice outside and sunny. It will be like that the next week. I'm glad you're day is going ok so far. I'm the same way, there are very few days in the week that I can really accomplish something. I also have some medical problems that make it hard for me to do things, so between that and all the stress from losing Rob it's very difficult for me, but I try my best. If you would ask my friends, they would tell you I'm doing great. Who knows. Well, I hope the rest of your day will be ok too. I am home now for the day so if you feel like talking don't think twice. Have a good afternoon.
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