I think the shock of what has happened is all I can explain..,there is not much you can do to take away the anger and pain... It is very hard to move forward

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Michelle I am so sorry for what has happened.  It is early days in your journey and everything you're feeling is normal.  There are some good books you can get from a grief councellor or ask your doctor for.  I know the last thing you want to do is read these books but glancing through them will let you see that any and anything you feel is normal and I found that helpful.  Some things that I didnt know could happen with my emotions shocked me, but I come here, post it and have others tell me they too have felt that.  In some small way it calms me to know Im not alone, or going crazy.  I wish I could take your pain away but noone can do that.  And I wont welcome you to this group because no one should be here.  Im glad you found this site though. 

Anna, thank you I try reading , I guess that is how I found this site.. I read Simeon's say her mind was her prison and yes that is true ,,, it just plays over and over like a mystery I don't want to solve...

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