Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Horacek on September 15, 2011 at 11:30pm

Dear Stacy -

You are very brave to share this difficult story with us.  I lost my husband on November 12, last year.  He had rectal cancer and it went pretty quickly, even though we believed that he would beat it; he seemed to be doing okay and had a sudden turn for the worse in October; one test led to another, and another and to a bone marrow biopsy; I think when they did that biopsy, I knew before the doctor told us his prognosis.  The biopsy was on a Friday, after he'd been in the hospital for a week (he'd been in at least once a month with some problem or another), he came home Saturday; we got the prognosis on Tuesday and he died - at home - on the next Friday.  Our daughters, his brother and our close friends were with us; I was giving him morphine every 30 minutes to try to help him stop the pain, but I don't know if he was ever really out of pain, until he died.  He reached towards me whenever I sat near him, and he kept looking at the ceiling on that last morning, and reaching for something only he could see; I think he saw him mom who died in 2001.  I think she came for him.  I told him, for three days, it was okay to let go and move on whenever he needed to; we all reassured him we'd be okay, and he had been wonderful husband and father and grandfather.  He finally allowed himself to let go - he cried two tears, he took two last breaths, his heart stopped and then he was gone, and I just climbed into his bed and held him.  

This thing called grief is tricky.  Just when you think you've passed one "stage," whop - it comes back and drags you out to sea again, like a wave.  We all grieve in our own way, at our own pace.  So be kind to yourself.  Allow yourself to cry - it releases a lot of the pain.  It hurts so much, but each time you let go of a little bit more, you get a little bit closer to healing.  Hang in there.

Cynthia

Permalink Reply by Stacy Jinkins on November 2, 2011 at 4:14pm

Thank you Cynthia for sharing with me about your husband. It has been a little over 2 months now, and it's still hard to believe. My children ask about him all the time, asking where he is. I tell them he is in Heaven, and he is no longer in pain.

I just wish so badly that he could have been conscious so I could talk with him before he left. I sit in bed some nights and cry, praying for some peace.

I hope you and your family are well, and I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

Permalink Reply by sara kephart on November 16, 2011 at 4:54pm

im sorry for your loss my lost my dad august 23rd 2011:(i still cant believe he is gone im sorry for your heartache this is a very difficult thing to ever go thru losing a parent or family member to somthing they had no control over my dad didnt want to die he always told me and the day he did i felt so helpless and felt as though i was in a movie i couldnt do anything to help him or take the pain away or save his life as his daughter i cant do anything but take it day by day and one step at a time he wouldnt want me to be sad,i pray you find comfort and that you get thru this rough time 1 day at a time

Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on November 16, 2011 at 5:13pm

Stacy I know all too well what you went through my heart goes out too you. I too lost my mom from Cancer it was horrible. We took her home because there was nothing they could do for her. watching my mom decline was the hardest thing I thought I would have to endure. and the morning she died I was in shock..I cried when I had to call it in.. But I went into a like frozen mode for like a month or so. Then it hit me hard! the hardest thing for me is living without her. I'm getting through it slowly She passed in April...I too have 3 kids and a husband my oldest son is 7 he took it really hard I try to comfort him I hate that he has so much heart ache so young. If you ever need to talk send me a message take care of yourself

Big hugs

Melissa

Permalink Reply by Jaime on November 27, 2011 at 10:46am

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mother to a blood cancer as well, lymphoma, a couple of years ago.  She went through a total of 13 chemo treatments and even had a bone marrow transplant that happened too late.  Like you, I didn't grieve right away as well.  I remember the exact moment my mother died.  My father and sister both lost it and I was so stunned I fell backwards into a chair at the foot of the bed and just stared, like it was all happening to another family.  Even at the funeral, I was mostly in shock for the most part, trying to make sure everything went smoothly, taking care of my dad, helping my sister deal, etc.  I never focused on how I was feeling.  That's only been a recent thing for me and it's not easy at all.

 

It's so hard to hear our loved ones talk about not wanting to go.  My mother did the same thing.  She was so scared that my niece and nephew wouldn't remember her (they had just turned 4 and 6 at the time).  I think she'd be very happy to know that they still talk about her all of the time though.  :)

 

I hate what cancer does too.  You're right.  More people need to know exactly what happens when someone loses their battle to this awful disease.  The toll it takes on both our loved ones who are suffering and of course those of us who care for and love them.  When I think of my mom's battle sometimes, it does affect me physically too.  It literally hurts.  I feel like there's something stuck in my throat and my chest hurts as well.  I'm just so tired of being strong all of the time.  I watched my mother suffer for almost 8 years.  And I mean suffer (as most of you who helped care for a cancer patient can relate).  I prayed so many times for it to be me and not her.  It's awful.  I'm hoping that by joining this site and being able to share my story with folks who understand, it'll help.  Again, I'm so sorry about your dad.  Taking that first step to share your story isn't easy and I'm proud of you.  :)