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I don't want to turn into a horder, but.....
I can't throw anything out that has anything to do with my husband. I packed his cloths into one dresser and a hassock at the end of our bed so I dont have to look at them and feel devistated every time I open our closet. That's ok I guess, but it gets worse. His bathroom stuff I dusted and organized onto one shelf but I couldn't do more than that. It looks like its ready for when he comes home. How torturous is that to do to myself. But I can't help it. In his office I sorted his work into categories and boxed those up. But there are a dozen or more notebooks with one or two pages used. I tried to tear out those pages so the notebooks could be used. Nope, couldnt do that. It was his handwritting. He will never write another thing and even though it is just scratching about work of one sort or another, meaningless to anyone but him, I cant do anything but find a safe place to save it. For what!? So the bathroom, bedroom, office are tidier but just as cluttered with stuff. Does it ever get easier to part with these things? I cant live in a 3000 sq foot home by myself forever but I need all this space if I cant part with the things. I feel like a total failure tonight. Another wasted day.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Shantel Collins on
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Don't throw away anything. I'm keeping everything of my brothers I can find, even if its just a piece of paper he scribbled on. We can keep our love ones alive, by collecting pieces of their memories.
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie Stone-Merrick on
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Anna I have done a lot of these things myself. My 18 yr old son passed away on June 20, 11 and I can't throw anything away that has his writing on it. I feel the same as you do, he'll never write another thing. But I did tear the single pages out as I don't have room to save each individual notebook. I also have his clothes folded up in the laundry room and ready for him to put away...he'll NEVER be back to put them away. It makes me cry almost everytime I add to it and it takes my breath away sometimes when I walk thru and see them. It hurts so much!! I have a tote in which I have stored his things, but it's too small now as I keep coming across his stuff. I have a place where I keep his art work and each time one of his friends brings me a peice he drew for them I ask if I can make a copy of it and not once have I been told no, they're wonderful kids-they'd never even think to say no-and I add it to his other work. I can't think of what will happen when to his things when I am gone, that hurts too much. But for now I save what I can, and when I'm ready I'm sure I will sort thru and decide what can really go and what I will keep. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Permalink Reply by Jo swearingen on
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Anna I understand how you feel my husband passed away almost 4 months ago. We were married several year &i went through his bathroom stuff & started crying. I have not been able to clean out his closet yet. I know he is not coming back but it is all so final. I have not been able to go into his storage shed which he called it is office. It is is overwhelming. I keep thinking it will get easier but when? Then today at work I had an employee resign & I could mot stop crying just as I think my work is going great boom resignation. This year has to be better.
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You are not a hoarder. I live in a much smaller house that that and can't throw out any of my mom's books, lotions, powder, or anything else she had. We have enough grief and stress without putting ourselves through when we can throw out things. I"m keeping some of my mom's notes, also. There is another conversation on this site about when the right time is to throw out things - it's got some great input. When you are ready, then it will be ok.
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Permalink Reply by anna l. on
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Hi Kate. Im so sorry you went through that. I do treasure all the important things now and I can let go of the insignificant a little easier. I still struggle with anything that he wrote and his personal care products still take up his shelf in the bathroom cabnet. I guess when the time comes my kids can decide what to do with his toothbrush and razor along with mine cause I know Im not in a hurry to get rid of them! I gave my(our) daughter his favorite sweater after I hugged it and got it wet with my tears, the whole while saying outloud, its just stuff, its ok, its just stuff! Last week I told my youngest son he could take his dads reloading equipment to put on his new work bench. Before he got out of the house he, I and his 2 kids were in tears and hugging it out. Its just stuff, he can use it like his dad would have wanted. Its just stuff............ and yet it is so much more. ps, thanks for the friend request
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I know this is a little late, but it's been 10 days since I lost my husband. I don't want to change anything in the house. I feel like I should keep it just like it was when he went to the hospital. Somehow it feels like I'm being disloyal to him if I change or get rid of anything. I know eventually I'll have to sort through things and decide what to keep or what to get rid of, but I can't even think about doing it now.
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My husband passed July 1st and it was late August when I made this posting. Now it is nearing a year and little has changed from that August week when I reorganized his belongings and that is ok with me. I find myself just getting in a mood every once in awhile and I can tackle a task. It feels like he is beside me guilding me along letting me know what needs to be kept and what needs to go and to whom. It might take me all day to do one box but when Im done I have no regrets. Sure, I shed a few tears along the way. I have been known to tell him off for leaving me but it is healing, not hurting I feel at the end. I pray everyone has the opportunity and space to take it this slow and gentle. It is a gift you need to give to yourself.
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Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on
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It will be one year on 6/6, and I am just getting to that now but I am just sitting here crying in my coffee. I found the exact same thing, notebooks with 1 or 2 pages written in my husband's writing, all the complicated engineering charts he drew by hand; I tore them out and put them in one and giving the rest to goodwill. I remind myself the intention is to clear the desk, make it cheerful for me to work at; all these notes and reminders belong in a box where I am not haunted. At least I have down-scaled them. I am going to have to go through his closet and dresser and take a few things and then pay someone to box the rest and take it away as I cannot. I read an article that all the possessions we collect in life, if not being used, are "dead energy". I know our loved ones would laugh, as I would if I were gone and would say, "that's not what matters, they are not important, its the memories of the love we shared that is". "what are you keeping them for if you're not using them, give them or throw them away". I think this is the last hurdle in my grief but almost as hard as planning the funeral, at least I had family with me, I have to do this on my own. I will chip away one box at a time.
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Well this is a post from last year, but still... It will be 2 months next week, and I still got all my mom's clothes in our house. It's too soon to throw away anything. I feel those are the only things I have left from her. If she came back, she'd still have all her stuff. Her slippers are next to the bed, for example.
Sometimes I grab one of her favorite t-shirts and hug it. I think I'll eventually have to give away her clothes, maybe donate them somewhere, but not yet. She didn't have many clothes, she bought more clothes for me than for herself. She'd love it when I liked something she got for me, since we didn't really have the same taste.
As for written notes from my mom, I don't have much. In the little notebook where we wrote down phone numbers, I found a note, who knows from what year, that said she had appointment with a doctor on Thursday at 4.30, I open the notebook and look for that.
I also have a bible we were given when I was 10 and me and a group of other kids took our first communion and our parents were supposed to write something for us in the bible's first page. That's my treasure.
I feel that mom's things are the only link to her right now. Guess that's why I hold on to them.
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Permalink Reply by Kylie Loshaw on
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I know exactly how you feel. I only just lost Joe on Valentine's Day but if anyone were to walk into our home they would think he still lives here. I have left a half pack of his cigarettes on the corner shelf in our room right where he left them even. I find comfort in it. His mom told some family members it is difficult for her to be here and walk into our bathroom and see his stuff still sitting there and open our "junk" drawer and see his writing on papers still. If you find comfort in it then don't feel like you have to pack him away. My husband was out of town working when I lost him, I haven't even gone through his bag yet, I made his secretary clean his desk out just because I couldn't bring myself to do. I talked to someone about this and she told me that when I am ready I will know and that we all have our own way of grieving and coping with it. She made me believe that was nothing wrong with it.
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This is funny that I find comments on this thread today when just a couple hours ago I had a converstation with my daughter in law about his things/room. It was 3 years a week ago that he passed. Donna, his wife closed the door on his den and it is still as it was. They had twin beds so he could have a hospital bed and those two beds are still in their bedroom. Today Donna told me she is ready to sell one of the beds and I suggested she sell the normal bed and keep the hospital bed since it is probably very comfy and being able to prop the head up to watch tv would be nice. They are so expensive and we are always getting older so who knows, she might actually need the function of the bed one day before its worn out. Anyway, she kind of agrees with me but sleeping in his bed would be so hard. That was when she told me the den is still as it was. I did not know that. I told her the same thing others have said here, she will know when the time is right to deal with it. If she doesnt need the room then just wait until the time feels right. We had a good cry together on the phone. As for my husbands stuff.... His desk still has a lot of the same things on it that he put there. I have no desire to move it other than to wipe the dust. All his work stuff is in boxes in the basement stacked on shelving units. Not pretty but it is what it is. Our bedroom is now my bedroom but there is his housecoat behind the door on his hook, his slippers on the closet floor, and his ashes, picture, flowers on his dresser. But my off season cloths are in that dresser. In the bathroom his shelf is exactly as he left it with the addition of the ziploc bag of toiletries he had in hospice. One day I may be ready to give this stuff up but not today. In 20 months I have learned if it doesnt hurt me or anyone else I do not have to rush to "fix" it. I wish for everyone to have the time and space to be able to adopt this attitude. Hugs to everyone!
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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trying to sort thngs out to but in the charty shop but i end up puting more bac i the cuberd evn tho i will never use it again
i cam acros a faiy tale book my dad usd to read to me wen i woz a kid did i put in the chrty shop no i put it bac in the cuberd coz my dad usd to read it to me bits of old scrap pper wish i shd of put in the bin i put it bac in the cuberd silly thngs lik tht
my dads c o pd broches i v kept thmevn tho r out of date i cud not thro thm out
i m geting worse at at bean horder its like i cant thro any thng out
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