Why is it still so hard to go home?

... I still don't understand why it's so hard to go home... I lost my dad a little over a year ago, and the moment I so much as enter my home state, my stomach turns over in knots... I get anxious when I step through the door, and I feel overwhelmed trying to hold it all together. I swear I can still hear his footsteps coming down the stairs, running to greet me after being months away from home... I can't help but walk room to room remembering all the times we spent together and all the laughs we shared... I don't want to offend my mother, but I just find it too hard to be in this house... How do we find peace in a place that reminds us of pain? How is there any solace in such an unexpected death?... Every time I think I've reached a new plateau in my grief, I come home and am bitterly reminded of how little I have come in such a long journey... I don't expect my dad to be with me at college, or by my side when I visit family or friends... but I will always hope when I walk through the doors of my house that he'll be waiting to give me a big, welcome home hug... <3

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Permalink Reply by Kelly Husak on August 10, 2011 at 9:47pm
It might be because you don't live in the state he lived in (from what i can tell) so you aren't as used to it as you would normally be. I live in the same area my brother lived in, and it still hurts going to the store, because i remember going there with him with me. I'm sorry for your loss, i hope you feel better... ((hugs))
Permalink Reply by adriana gonzalez on August 10, 2011 at 11:18pm
hi i understand you.. my husband recently passed away n we had just bought a house n honestly i had to get out of there ,,i was going crazy !!! sometimes i feel as if i have to go back but i really cant!! is so sad having to look for a new place when i have a home :(
Permalink Reply by Lorin Cohen on August 11, 2011 at 7:54am

hi Chrissy..............I understand exactly how you feel - my dad passed in January of 2010.  We were very close - friends.  Unfortunately, my mom just died June 1.  Double whammy.

 

But, as far as my dad, I to remember going to the house-and I would cry - whenever I would go there - he would be looking out the window waiting for me - or upstairs waiting to hear the door.  He to would come running to the door - and I missed that very much.

I to missed that hug - that big smile - it hurt!!  It will take time for it not to be as intense.  Don't measure your grief - take it day by day.  A year is not that long of a time!!!  I to went from room to room - oh that was the chair he would sit in and ask me what was new.  And that room we................and here we...............I KNOW.

So FEEL his hug - let it embrace you - don't be afraid to offend your mother - I would open the hall closet and just smell his coats!!!  Sit on his side of the bed and just cry.  IT HURTS.  And you are allowed to hurt!!

 

And now my mom is gone to - and there is no one there.  So remember his warmth.................

 

 

 

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