Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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How do I forgive my INsensitive 'family' for 'seeing' me as the 'family' Scapegoat
I saw my 79 year old Father die in Silent Agony from Cancer for 3 weeks after he was diagnosed with Cancer of the Colon in November 2009. It was Torture driving my on and oFf emotionally, physically, mentally and verbally Abusive 'mother' to the hospice which she kicked him out of their 'home' after Christmas because she couldn't 'deal' with her own UNresolved grief and Rage over her Abusive Father who may have molested her sister and her as teenagers. Both of them married 'alcoholics' whom they still Blame for their 'families' 9 - 5 'professional' working 'class' Alcoholism.
My Dad gave up drinking when he was assessed and retired from the Military in 1979, but he becme a gambler, which my 'Mother' Ironically enabled by going along with him for the $10 buffet and to Spurn him by Spending ONLY $20 when he'd lose up to $500 and then 'win' it 'back' the next week or month later. My 'Mother' NEVER 'forgave' him for "giving her black eyes to feed us, Drinking and Chasing women like a Goddamned Sex Maniac !", as she told me from the age of 11, which I NEVER 'should' have heard let alone been Abused as her 'sounding board.
She also TOLD me "You Should NEVER even have been born !" after I quit trying to 'please' her being the teacher I became and quit 18 years ago, as she now 'sees' me as "nothing but an alcoholic or drug addict", which I am noT. When I was 14, she TOLD me, "He Shouldn'T have even had a DOG let alone a wife and three kids to feed. All he wanted was his Booze and Women !" She later Said that she "NEVER 'wanted' Goddamned Kids in the first place !" as she was afraid we'd get Epilespy as she has and was told she was 'mentally retarded' in the 1930s and 40s by her own Gr.1 'educated' immigrant Mother, whom I am only now beginning to see may have noT been the Nice 'Grandma' I 'knew' her to be after all, as I was only allowed to see her under our 'Mother's 'supervision', who Never Taught us Their First Language (Ukrainian) as she said all we need was English and French and that the rest was "Garbage !"
My "mother's oFf/On 'nice' and NASTY Cruel Sarcastic Condescending DENIAL Based SeLvEs (?) which ABUSED me Physically at the age of 5 and then Verbally, Mentally and Emotionally ever after, has been the WORST part of my 'life'. She CAN Be 'nice, and 'generous' when it comes to 'serving' food, however her Relentless Mockery, Sarcasm and Put Downs of me and my Dad are UNforgiveable.
The Day he Died, I called her and heard her YELLING over the phone at me, "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO 'do' ABOUT IT ? HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF !" meaning that his 'drinking' and not eating 'properly' 'caused' his cancer. She didn't have a single tear in her faded cornflower blue eyes before, during or after his funeral. She was even ORDERING him to "GET RID OF (my) JUNK !" (5 small boxes) I had left in my hoarding Father's basement bedroom while he was Dying.
How Can I Get oVer this 'creature' I have 'known' as my 'Mother' and Forgive her as well as my Equally Controlling 'brother' and 'sister' both of whom have labelled me as "mentally ill" like my 'brother' 'sees' me as, but is BLIND to the fact that his COLD Controlling GREED and INsensitivity has 'created' his own Smoking Pill Popping Unemployed 'wife's Addictions.
Tags: abuse, dysfunction, emotional, family, forgiveness, mental, physical, verbal
Views: 514
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by John B on
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Maybe it's because of My Mother, her sister (my 'aunt') who NEVER has called me Assuming I Must be an Alcoholic like her 'artist' Hair Dressing Gay Still Stay at home 52 year old Son David is, but they BOTH Deny their 'family' EVER 'touches' Alcohol only BLAMING their now Deceased 'husbands'/$lave$) and I 'sHaRe' our Blessed/CuRsEd sometimes OvErLy Analytical/Critical/Controlling gEmInI mOOnS, buT we DO have MoMeNtS of 'clarity' and 'connection' like yesterday when my Mother Surprisingly called me to wish me a Happy Easter after Hanging uP on me after I Apologized and Broke Down Sobbing my Heart and Soul out to her over the phone for doing the same out of FrUsTrAtIoN on 'Good Friday' after she continued to cut oFf my words and Refused to 'listen' to me saying, "You're noT Goddamned Pollacks, buT GERMANS (which I later Reminded her Queen Elizabeth, whom she Likes is Also an aNgLoW SaXoN from German (noT NAZI) Heritage).
Yesterday
What seems to be a female ghost caught on tape in a child's bedroom.
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"..Just when I was going to ask 'how' this was 'possible' or 'why' she'd tell my Air Canada Co-Pilot Tax Auditor Mr.Spock 'Logic 'centred' EmotionLess 'cold' Capricorn 'brother' who Doesn'T 'listen' to such 'stuff', she added, "But there we...re no arms, feet or head". That's when I knew something is Very BeYoNd 'reason' in my Mother's Magical Mystery Tour'd Epileptic Mind. I Saw My Dad Die in Silent Agony February 23, 2010 and As Much as I Love him, I don'T 'want' to 'see' a 'ghost' even with his feet, arms and head attached. "He went to the left and right and then left" she finished her 'story'. God Bless & Keep Us ALL from such 'visions'.
"..Then he went left and right and went away. Just when I was going to ask 'how' this was 'possible' and 'WHY' she'd 'bother' telling this to my MR.Spock 'Logic' Centred 'cold Capricorn RaT Air Canada Co Pilot Tax Auditor 'brother' who Never 'listens' let alone finds this 'stuff' 'interesting' but only More 'Proof' of his 'theory' that it's all about BaLaNcInG the Seratonin in one's brain wiht the 'right' Medications like his wife's, she Said, "Don'T Laugh !" Therefore Proving to me again the Magical Mystery ToUrS of her Epileptic Schizophrenic (?) Brain.
I Saw my Father Die in Silent Agony February 23, 2010 and as Much As I Love him, I don'T 'want' to 'see' such a 'ghost' Even With it's Arms, Feet & Head Attached. NO 'thanx. YES..I'm THAT 'CHICKEN' ! and IF I 'saw' a 'ghost', I'd 'have' to 'admit' that I'm JUST as 'iNsAnE' oR hYpEr SENSITIVE & Emotionally DiStUrBeD as my 'Mother' Has Been oR is EVERYONE Else that's CONTROLLED & 'calm' cRaZy ? Most 'ordinary' 'working' people Often 'eScApE' via Alcohol, Drug or other Addictions such as PERFECTIONISM, CONTROL.."YOU SHOULD"..eR$..lol (NoT 'funny' at all really !)
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Hi Resee,
Thankyou for your message. I'm still staying up all night 'escaping' via Warcraft, a Fantasy online game that's like Lord of the Rings, Walt Disney and Avatar, however I'm Accepting things and people as they 'choose' to be or are and Appreciating the Beautiful people & things in my life, especially my Best Friend, whose Father died 2 months before mine, who calls me every day and spends time with me, so the pain of 'living' alone isn't as Difficult as it used to be. Gratitude for my Health and 5 senses to see, hear, smell, touch and taste all that exists is also a big part of my life.
When was your ma's Birthday ? Glad you made it through. Be Good to yourself. The Photos of your Flowers are Lovely and I'm Sure your Ma's Enjoying them with you in Spirit. God Bless You Too.
John
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