Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Ofir,
Thank you for the song recommendation, but I do not believe there is a god or any sort of deity who listens to us or created us -- and if there is, I want nothing to do with it, because if it does exist, it allowed my husband to die.
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Permalink Reply by Ofir Rifo on
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I feel bad that you are still so depressed. But some time we want to feel like victims and feel sorry for our self. The loss that you and other people suffered is great but we should be kind to our self and at least try to get that pain away. We do not gain anything enduring a sharp pain every day. Why you do not go to your doctor so he can prescribe a medicine that helps you at least to be free of the constant pain in your heart. Lexapro is one that people said works well. Just take 1/4 of the pill or perhaps 1/2 and see how you feel. There is nothing to loose unless you really want to live with this pain until you died. Perhaps deep inside your brain you believe that if you suffer a lot then you are showing your husband that really you loved him. But if you do not believe in the after life then why to suffer if it does not mean anything for him? if you can have a medicine that will help you to take away that suffering why not to try it? I bet your family and also your your cat will be very happy to see you smiling again. I really want with all my heart that you get better.It does not mean that you are not going to cry sometimes but most of the time you will be happy doing perhaps good deed for others. Do not even ask why there is pain in the world because nobody knows.
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Ofir,
It's not that I want to feel like a victim; I am a victim, of horrific loss. This is not a choice; for me, it is the only possible reaction to my husband's death. The pain can't disappear, because my husband is not here.
I have taken medication in the past, Lexapro, but similar. Those meds worked to help with my anxiety/panic disorder, so I know that they have their place. But they can't do anything about this pain, because they can't bring my husband back to life. Medication can work to help with chemical imbalances, which is why it helped me with panic/anxiety, but it cannot bring the dead back to life and it cannot change or diminish my anguish about his death, because that is an emotion, not a chemical imbalance.
I do not believe that if "[I] suffer a lot then [I am] showing [my] husband that I really loved him". My husband has always known how much I love him, and if he still exists in an afterlife then he knows it still, how much I do love him and always will love him. I don't need to suffer in order to show my husband how much I love him, and he certainly wouldn't want me to suffer. I suffer not because I want to, but because he is dead and my suffering because of his death is the only possible response for me.
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bluebird, what you and so many of us on here are going through is truly one of the cruelest things that a human being can endure. Unfortunately death is simply a part of life, but when it happens at a date that is untimely and too soon, there are literally no words that can truly capture the kind of pain that it leaves on those of us left behind here. Our hearts are not in this physical realm any longer. Our hearts are with our loved one in another realm. We gave our hearts to them when we fell in love with them. And they took it with them when they passed away. And I'm sure your dear husband does not want you to suffer. And I'm sure that he misses you terribly. I know that you have some doubts about whether there is existence after physical death, but I do not. I asked if you had considered seeing a spiritual medium. You didn't respond. I was just curious if this was an avenue you have tried or are willing to try?
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Thank you for your kind words, Layla. I'm sorry, if I didn't answer, then I must have missed your question about visiting a medium. I did see a medium, I think it was about a year after my husband died, or maybe a bit less. I wanted an appointment earlier than that, but she didn't have any earlier openings. I still don't know if my husband communicated with me through her, but at least I think she believes in what she does -- that is, I don't think she was or is a fake or a scammer. Although it did not prove to me that my husband still exists in an afterlife, it was a good and peaceful experience for me.
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I have been to three different mediums since my fiancé died in 2015. The first was a total fraudster. The second two were authentic, I believe, but not what I needed. I am going to keep going to some until I find the right one. I have my next appointment with a new one at the end of February. If I happen to come across someone who I think is incredible, I will most definitely share their information with you. I have heard some people that got readings and it just changed their life. It might sound silly, but I told your husband that he is more than welcome to send a message through me to give to you if I come across a medium who is able to communicate effectively.
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Layla,
Thank you, that is very sweet and kind of you.
I hope your reading in February goes well.
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Layla, would you be open to sharing more detail as to what you're seeking from a medium? After my husband's sudden death two years ago, to my own surprise I found myself searching online for a medium -- not something I ever would have imagined myself even considering, but it turned out to be one of the first things I did. However, I was so taken aback by the venal, superficial, manipulative vibe of the various websites that I did not go ahead. Now my mother has died -- we loved each other so much and I miss her terribly, she was so kind to me about my ongoing sense of loss, with her gone from the world I feel even more shipwrecked and pointless. Guess that is prompting me to think again about how to connect with the people I love, though I don't really believe in the idea that the dead are with us but only via certain professionals, not directly in touch with those that love them -- it doesn't make sense to me, so I can't understand why I keep revisiting this, or what I would be looking for in the experience. Perhaps just the craziness of grief making me look at this again? The people who sound the most legitimate seem to see themselves more as counsellors or life coaches, and that's not of primary interest to me. Is that what you would be seeking?
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You are very welcome (((bluebird))) <3 <3 <3
M Adams: I certainly understand where you are coming from. Never in a million years did I think that I would be actively seeking out psychic mediums. And I definitely relate with being reserved and skeptical about the whole thing. That is why I am going to keep going to various people until I know that I've found someone truly authentic. I've been to three already, but they were not good enough for me to recommend to anyone. What I am waiting to hear is definite confirmation that I absolutely can't deny that my fiancé is indeed speaking to me through someone else. And until that happens, I will keep looking. And if I do find someone that I have complete faith in, I will happily share their information so that if anyone else wishes to contact them, they can do so. And to answer your last question, no. I have no interest whatsoever in a psychic medium other than to communicate with my fiancé. That is the only thing that I am looking for.
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Thanks, Layla, for getting back to me -- sounds like we have somewhat similar feelings. Probably I should be seeking counselling and life coaching, I'm sure any observer of me would think so, but my interest is really focused on a wish for some kind of communication from my husband. Because he was older and in poor health, now I feel like he would have believed that he would die first, and would have wanted to leave me a message, a letter, something. But maybe the truth is that we didn't, we couldn't really envision what bereavement would be like, and he probably didn't leave any letter for me, any more than I did for him. I had accepted at the beginning that his health problems meant that we might not be together that long, but now I realize that until it happens we don't necessarily have any idea of what losing a life partner will be like.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Horvath on
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You already know this BB, but there are no words anyone can offer. There is nothing that will ever replace him. I find some comfort in looking at pictures and reading old cards we gave to one another for birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day, etc. Luckily, we wife kept those and when I read them, I feel like she is reading along with me. Of course, then I cry and miss her, but for a few precious moments I feel like we are talking. I started a journal writing down my feelings each day. I'm not sure how/if it helps but I like the idea of just talking about what is in my mind and heart. I read the journal too and try to pick up something good, positive or even funny, which will lift me for a moment or two. I wish you comfort and healing...maybe it will ease just a little and you can find something good in this world.
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