Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 17, 2015 at 11:10pm

hi mary t, i lost my fiancee 2 months ago today from a massive heart attack at work, he was only 49, i waited for a month i think for him to come home, still do at times , last night i had a dream of getting a letter apologising of a terrible mistake in his identification and it also stated the ward and room number where i could go and see him at the local hospital. if only it were true...... i identified the body so i know that it certainly isnt, i still cry everyday, and have to drag myself around to get what i need to get done done.and yes every where i go and everything i look at were part of our life. i miss him 24/7, i was so excited about our new life together. thinking of you nicole

Permalink Reply by morgan on July 18, 2015 at 12:53am

Mary,

That kind of suddenness is horrendous.  All the things you wanted to say, could have said or just could have felt by being in the same room are now part of history.  I think a fellow griever I got to know where I live put it well when she said that no one else has had that kind of history with us.  The kind of stuff we would NEVER share with anyone else.  It was reserved for that one person who loved who we were with all the bumps, warts and bruises.  It’s terrifically hard to lose your history.

I am almost at 2 and half years into this journey and I will never be anything other than sad.  The brutal brutal pick-me-up and slap me into a brick wall happens less frequently now but it still happens.  For the first two years it was constant.  Even when I thought I was getting better I now look back and realize that it has only been in the last six months I have been able to get better control.  I know that is going to sound very disillusioning but I have to be honest.  As I review in my mind the things I was doing at a year and half I was still breaking down and thinking that I was getting better when I was really still in shock.  Now the shock has finally worn off.  Two and half years it took.  Now I am in a different phase of this.  

Of course during that amount of time I have been beaten to a pulp from the crying, the thoughts, the struggling etc etc……This is what happens.  You think you can’t cry another tear and then it floods. Not as much, not as often as in the first year plus but it still keeps coming.  

I am so sorry that any of us are having to deal with death.  Anne  (from "lost my spouse" part of this forum) has some choice words which describe very well what this is like.  And everyone here always has something to contribute by keeping all of us reminded how much our spouses meant to us individually.  George-Mary, Tildyc- Mark, Trina-Joseph, JohnT- Diane, Bluebird, Anne, Sara, Nicole, and newer people who have come here like rachel_michelle, RichardG, Michael T, Kathleen, so so many  and more by the day……we are all here because when we pour out our feelings here we know that everyone else on this site has experienced the exact same torment and though we cant do anything to stop it we know we are not alone.  There are so many people who write that give support even if their posts are angst.  They are because they are truth.  No need to fake it here.  

Best you can do is cry and try to do the next best thing you can manage.  That's it. That's all we all do. We have been catapulted into a totally different universe than we used to live in.  It looks a lot the same but nothing about it is the same.  Cry and little baby steps. Your brain will fight you and once in awhile you will come up for air.  It's all we can expect of ourselves.  We miss them more than we want to live but we’re stuck.  So keep reading and writing.  It helps.  Take care……morgan

Permalink Reply by Margo on October 13, 2015 at 5:42am

It's been 95 days (ish) since my husband of 32 years died.  One of the things that drives me crazy is that I don't remember the last thing I said to him.  I know it was sweet, but I don't remember.  What an odd thing to worry about, eh?  He was briefly ill, then sedated/intebated, then had a massive stroke in less than a week's time.  

Another odd thing:  He had a stroke under sedation. Do you think he felt anything?  Did he hurt?  

Another odd question:  At this time, I have no reason to second-guess any of his treatment, but there were two specific moments where his doctor behaved atrociously.  Should I write him a letter?  I can be polite.....  even if I don't want to.  

The restaurant that catered his services were likewise astoundingly rude.  They are a big name around town; should I write them a letter?  

What good would it do?  I don't know, but what good would it NOT do? I don't want to be spiteful, but I want these "professionals" to know that they brought great pain to a family in extreme distress.  

just my 3:45am rant........

m

Permalink Reply by nicole irving on October 13, 2015 at 6:01am

hi margo, yeah we do ask ourselves alot of questions, i blamed myself for mike not going to the doc ( not sure why) we were unaware that he was sick he had one massive heart attack with no mini heart attacks prior and also blamed myself for other stuff, i was lucky as in the fact that he came to me in a dream and answered alot of my questions and reminded me of why i need to go on living, i think writing a letter at the moment may cause you more problems than you need at the moment, or you could write it but not send it perhaps? thinking of you nicole

Permalink Reply by Margo on October 30, 2015 at 2:49am

Appreciate your response, Nicole.  

My husband hasn't yet appeared to me in any dreams..............well, ok, I've had dreams that have had him in them, but they're goofy dreams and pretty much like what I would have had with him here.  It rips my heart out when my girls (4 adult daughters) say, 'Yeah, I saw or heard this or that and I knew Dad was right there with me".  Immediately after we took  him off life support, I heard his voice behind me say, "Thank you", but that's it.  I want messages, I want "pennies from heaven".............maybe what I'm saying is just that I want my husband, eh?  I honest to God had no idea, could never have imagined this kind of endless, bottomless pain.  

Permalink Reply by Dani on October 9, 2015 at 9:44pm

Mary,

Even just sitting and breathing is hard. your heart is displaced. it is no longer yours. There's darkness everywhere and the pain you feel is excruciating, and you long to be with them again. I know how you are feeling as my husband of 16 years was walking on the street and crossed in between people beginning to shoot at one another. He was shot and died suddenly and senselessly in front of his son, 5 weeks ago now. The crying is almost uncontrollable, and sometimes you will have moments where you are so exhausted from crying, you can finally sleep a bit. The pain anews when you wake, and you will struggle with each minute wondering who you are without them and if life is now worth living or enjoying. But, you will find that each minute, and every day, you somehow will get through the day. and that's just it, we are all just getting through. Even things that normally wouldnt remind you of him will remind you of him. the loss is constant and pervasive. I have heard from those here that have suffered the same loss, and writing and reading and sharing here has made the difference between me waking up and washing my face and wanting to just join him. I cry, I cry, and i cry. there is nothing certain now but the  agony and deepest sorrows that fill every part of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually. That this is what we all are certainly fated to experience. In between the sobbing, the questions about life and death, and the longing, please take a moment to drink and eat. You will need to the strength to continue the tears and continue the grieving. Take a shower. And cry whenever you want. Reach out here as often and as long as is right for you. I know it has been a lifesaver for me the past weeks. I am sending you my love, hugs and wishing you a good cry. Dani.

Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on October 26, 2015 at 10:18am

Mary,

I know how you feel. After 6 months, the world is still reeling and I am utterly devastated. I too couldn't go anywhere in the house that a reminder of my precious Nancy wasn't there.  It would rip me apart andI would spend hours in tears and misery with the longing to just see her one more time. To Hold her close and tell her how much I love her.  I still haven't moved her clothes or personal belongings because while the stuff is there it feels like she is too, a little bit. I pray for some comfort and peace for you....and all of us here. And know that each of us understands and knows your sorrow from personal experience. Perhaps that may serve as a balm to heal a bit of your soul.

take care of yourself,

Mel R