Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on September 13, 2009 at 12:58pm

Hi Karen,

Seems we share many of the same thoughts...

My standard reply is "Under the circumstances I am as okay as okay can be". When pressed about how I am really doing I say "Look, I am not fine, I don't feel pretty good, and I'm not having a wonderful day. I AM jUST OKAY".

Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on September 13, 2009 at 1:38pm

When I ask "How are you" I really want to know. I can handle the truth. And welcome it. I know you are not ok, but this gives you an opportunity to vent and boy do we all need to vent.

Permalink Reply by Ann Edmondson on September 13, 2009 at 6:10pm

I state the truth. If it is a good day I tell them I am ok. If I am having a lousey day they get that too. Some people quit asking how I am others continue to ask. The ones that keep asking are the ones who I feel will let me cry on their shoulder if I need to or just laugh at something silly with me.

Permalink Reply by Kar on September 13, 2009 at 6:19pm

I try to just not answer- by responding with- Hi how are you? - Instead---
When pressed I usually spit out ok--- But- then feel like liar - & I despise liars--- so I need a new response........

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on September 15, 2009 at 1:53pm

hi, i feel like almost a burden to people when i say i'm not okay. usually when asked how i am, i sort of shrug, and say, "i have my good days, and i have my bad...." then if i say, "today is a good day," they seem a bit agitated and embarassed and say, "thats wonderful". if i say, "today is not a good day," they are REALLY awkward, and almost seem to make me feel like im an irritant. so now i just say, "i'm fine thanks!" with all respect, i dont think they can handle anything different, and they have no IDEA of the inner pain, and they think youre a "moaner" and like, 'get on with life already'. i dunno. thats how i feel. jan

Permalink Reply by Ashley Thompson-Judd on May 29, 2012 at 10:52pm

hugs, I'm with you on this. They expect you to be fine after so long but what i have learned from others, you are never fine, it just gets easier to paste on the smile everyone wants to see and pretend like your okay.

Permalink Reply by Sherry Bell on December 1, 2009 at 8:40am

i say im ok n im not but what else are you going to say i wish i was dead

Permalink Reply by Shelly on April 15, 2010 at 12:09am

something neither of us can really answer without wanting to break down and cry..I always say" I hope and pray you never have to feel what I feel"

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on July 31, 2010 at 3:53am

It's only been 2 weeks for me so I may not be going about this in the "right" way but if it is just a cashier or waitress or somone I dont know and will probably never see again I just say "Fine.. thank you". because I dont know them and if I try to answer any other way then I start crying.

If it is someone that I know I just say " I am dealing with what happened better now".. because it is true, people cant handle the truth and want you to be "OK" even when you arent.

If it is family I just say what I feel and if they dont like it then thats their problem if they are uncomfortable. With my family we live in "Pretend nothing happened" land and I hate it.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 29, 2010 at 11:56am

Please share this poem I came across.



Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Permalink Reply by Kar on August 30, 2010 at 2:14pm

Thanks for sharing this..... <3

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 30, 2010 at 9:05pm

Greetings karen, you are very welcomed. I am sorry for your loss.

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