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Comment by Cat Bailey on September 2, 2009 at 3:12am

Thank you Nacole. I'm missing my dad so much as I write this. There's a hole in my heart now -- I feel like half a person.

I pray the same for you -- that we can somehow find peace.

Comment by Nacole Walls on August 31, 2009 at 12:25pm

Hi there I like you lost my dad suddenly with me being present as he passed.
I tend to go into a false state of mind and think he is still alive just in the hospital or back home and all I
have to do is call and the reality that he isn't there sinks in.
I wish I had words to comfort you but as I know the thoughtfullness from others means something but it just doesnt fix the sadness we are fighting.
I pray that you find the peace we are all searching for and until then the memories we have our dads
will live on through us.
Take care, Nacole

Comment by Laura Villarreal on August 30, 2009 at 8:20am

Cat,

It's not impossible to move on, it just feels impossible. There is no rush. I say this because you have realized there is a practical side to the grieving process. It is so difficult, physically and emotionally, to get on with daily living. Even the smallest task seems monumental to accomplish. Painful and strange are but only two words I associate with grieving. Some days I wake up and for a second or two everything feels perfect--then I feel a big slap of reality and the absence of my daughter is so profound.
"Moving on" does not mean leaving your dad behind or forgetting about him. It means including him in your daily life in a spiritual sense. His sense of love, humor...all those things that made your dad your dad! My love for my daughter has actually grown and my heart feels lighter...it's just hard to put into words.
Anger and sadness...these are the two that are still with me but not so frequently. And who knows why? I just allow myself to feel whatever comes along then continue with my day. You seem to be doing the same and just don't realize it.
I will help you as much as I can...by helping you I also help myself move forward.

Take care.
Laura

Comment by Cat Bailey on August 30, 2009 at 2:17am

Hi Laura,

Thanks so much. I feel so tired now... like I don't really want to keep going. I know I have to, but everything seems so difficult. I've always put on a happy face around my friends, and I just don't feel like it anymore. My dad was my best friend, and I always had him to go to at the end of the day. I see that my life has changed. On a practical level, I need to learn how to support myself and my mom entirely on my own. That's difficult though, when I can barely motivate myself to leave the house. It will be a month next week, and I can tell that people outside the family think I've somehow moved on. I haven't, though. It's impossible to move on when someone who's defined twenty-four years of my life is now gone.

I get so angry sometimes, and I'm not realy even sure why. I just get angry and then sad again.

I hope and pray I'll see my dad again -- that I will be able to sit with him like we always have, rub his back, and talk. It's one of the primary things that keeps me going.

Thanks for all your help through this. I just miss him so much.
-Cat

Comment by Laura Villarreal on August 29, 2009 at 7:05am

Hello Cat,
I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain. Not only do we deal with grief but our path in life has changed and the road can be filled with big bumps and potholes that are difficult to see. My personal experience with this thing called "grief" is that it is not just about missing my daughter but about redefining who I am and where my life goes from here. At times I feel so isolated and lonely, unsure of where this new road leads. Stuck at a four way stop sign not knowing which way to go. But I will continue to travel the road knowing that one day at the end of the road will be my daughter, waiting with open arms!

It was good to see a post from you...as always, take care.
Sincerely,
Laura