Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kathy S McBee on April 2, 2012 at 10:35pm

I can relate to what you've written. Although I'm an 'old fart' now, I lost my grandmother while I was in college. All the people I'd been around, my good friends, had nothing to give me. I didn't press them for anything. 

Even now, I don't have a lot to give you. I still haven't experienced the loss of a sibling. Other losses seem to be piling up - that's not one of them. Unfortunately. life and loss seem to go hand-in-hand. Sometimes we face those losses without others who have traveled the same path. 

All I can tell you is to seek your own answers. Look for grief counseling, listen to your heart as you meet people, and listen to your own wisdom. Even with a counselor, you know if you'll 'click' with that person. And a friend can be just as healing as a professional. My guess is that someone is there for you - maybe not where you expect them to be. Tune in to your heart and try a new path.

I'm hoping you find what you need.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on April 19, 2012 at 4:58pm

I tried talking to a counselor at school, but we stopped meeting after the second session.  I don't really know why either.  I thought it was going well...  Maybe other kids need it more than I. 

I talk sometimes with my friend.  She lost three grandparents recently so I try to help her the best I can.  For me, it's always nice and helps me to help others.  I like to write; it helps me a lot. 

I don't know...  I guess sometimes I just wish, instead of me doing the helping, I could be the one getting help.  Maybe that's selfish.  Yeah it's sounds pretty selfish, but mayb just mayb it's okay to b a little selfish.

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Permalink Reply by Ashley Nicole on April 4, 2012 at 10:25pm

I get where you are coming from! My little sister died this past July. To this day, I still haven't found that right person to talk to. I journal -alot-, try to attend church more (not just because she died, but because it helps me to not feel so judged if that makes sense....) and sometimes I still get overly emotional about the whole thing. If you need anyone to talk to, you can message me. I can't say I'd have all of your anwsers, but sometimes you just need someone that understands. :)

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Permalink Reply by Kim on April 30, 2012 at 6:45pm

I journal a lot as well...  It brings me a lot of comfort...  My diary (yes I still call it my diary ;) embracing my inner 10 year old) is like this secret keeper; it holds all the thoughts that I don't dare say outloud.  I go to church a lot too; I teach religion.  Well it's over now but it has helped me...  I lost faith or well became out of touch with it for years, because my parents did and I just never went back.  That was until I got a strange calling to do so again.  If you would like to talk, please feel free to message me.  We can help each other :)

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on April 20, 2012 at 7:08am

Dear Kim

It is so hard to lose someone you love so much and then find yourself alone with no one to talk to. Most people don't know what to say when the loss is new let alone ten years after the loss. People expect time to heal the wounds but this not true. And so we are left searching for comfort with no one to listen.

Often times the death of a sibling changes everything. Not only do we feel a great emptiness from the loss of a sibling, but the whole family changes. Many times our parents even become dysfunctional and everything just falls apart because they can't deal with their loss either.

Having someone to listen to us is important. Sometimes we just have questions that we need to ask. Some are just nonsensical but we need to ask them anyway. Some have no answers but we need to ask them. We also have things we just need to say that we don't want anyone to say anything back.

But most of all we just need to be comforted. The pain won't go away, but we just need to have something to hope in. Hope gives us courage. Hope gives us faith. Hope shapes our future. Without hope we have nothing.

I don't know if you believe in God or not, but in my own personal experiences God is the source of the hopes that I have. The Bible (not religion) answers all of our questions. And the Bible (religions don't teach what is in the Bible) gives us hope and comfort when we see what it really teaches.

Please feel free to talk here, I will listen. And if there is anything that I can do to help, I will.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on April 30, 2012 at 7:04pm

My parents didn't become dysfunctional; my mom did tell me that her coping technique, all these years, has been to not talk about his death.  I guess that's where I got it from; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  My Dad doesn't talk about his deathh either; no one in my family does.  I don't know why, well I do, it's to painful.

 

When I was younger, I went to counselling and a breevement camp.  It helped a lot; I stopped though.  At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do; it probably was.  I didn't need it anymore.  I was young and I didn't understand my emotions at the time (if that makes sense).  Plus his memory was still fresh; now, I'm lucky if I remember him at all.  I remember the bad, not so much the good but I'lll take what I can get.

 

It's so weird, these feeling have laid dorment for so long...  It was really my college essay that brought them to the surface...  The questions and the false life I could have had...  I don't know; I think I'm rambling now...  Thank you for your advice, I will talk on here because it's a safe place.

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on May 4, 2012 at 6:46am

I was just talking to a family that has lost several very dear loved ones within the past several years. A mother, a stepfather ( who was dearly loved) and a brother. Tears flowed freely. And that is certainly ok. We talked about some good memories, although we also talked about those most painful days of loss. From laughter to tears to laughter again. Tears of happy memories, tears of sadness, all in two hours.

Each person handles this traumatic issue differently and that is ok also.

You need to find a balance. Try to remember something nice. Don't be afraid to do that.
Even one thing that feels warm can comfort us and help us.

You don't have to answer this. And I hope I am not out of place. But could you tell me something about your brother that made you just love him? I would like to get to know him just a little, and you are the only one that can help me do that.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on May 11, 2012 at 7:25pm

The main thing I remember about my brother is his smile...  In fact, in my college essay, I pointed that out.  No matter the situation; sick, in pain, happy, sad, etc, he was happy and smiling.  Ohhh and another thing, he loved his video games...  One game really and it always creeped me out!  He was always playing it; everytime I'd walk into the room it would be on!!

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on May 12, 2012 at 7:35am

Thank you so much for those insights into your brother.

A smile is a wonderful thing, especially with little ones. They smile with their whole face and it just fills the whole room. That is a wonderful memory. That is now the picture I have in my mind with your brother. One that can serve you well. And even at his young age his sense of happy is a good example for all of us.

Jesus made an interesting statement. "Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted."

Good memories can comfort. They don't take the pain away, but comfort is so very necessary.

Here is an interesting quote:

“ If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair. ” 

So another way to find comfort is by getting the truth about all of this. For example - Why do we die? What happens to us when we die? What hope do we have for those who have died?

Getting the truth about all of these things comforts us and can help us through the pain.

In the meantime can I ask something else? If you dont want to answer that is fine but - What is your brothers name? And did he like hugs and kisses?

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Permalink Reply by Kim on May 14, 2012 at 9:15pm

My brothers name was Steven...  He liked hugs and kisses...  From me mainly he liked hugs not soo much kisses...

 

Went to the cementry and cried the other week.  Haven't cried in a while...  Not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Learned young to bottle up my feelings and all; guess that's why I'm here and stuff.  I don't know.

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on May 18, 2012 at 7:55am

Kim

Hugs are very special things. When they are from a little one they have the power to put a smile on your heart.

So it is no wonder that you miss Steven so much. Someone with hugs and smiles fills our hearts and when they are no longer there that part of our heart feels like it has a hole in it.

My wife lost her big sister when she was seven and her sister was 13. We named our first daughter after her (Barbara - we used it as our daughters middle name) when my father in law died we had him buried on the same plot as Barb. My wife will never forget her sister. We have a few pictures of Barb, and my wife still misses her.

And all of that is OK!

There is something that helps us gain comfort. We have Hope.

There is an interesting account in the Bible about a 12 year old girl who had died. The family was in agony of course. Jesus came in and brought the young girl back to life. The account tells us that the family experienced great ecstasy. (Mark 5:35-43)

I believe that we will experience the same thing one day. We will be reunited with the people that we love. This doesn't take the pain away, but it sure gives me reason to hope!!

I am glad you went and cried a bit and visited your brother. It is OK! Really good. But remember the good things as well. And develop a real hope for the future as well because this helps us keep moving forward.

Dennis

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Permalink Reply by Laura on April 29, 2012 at 12:43am

Although this seems like a great place to vent, you may look into seeIng another counselor. I lost a sister a few months ago and I feel your pain. I don't think it really gets easier but you find ways of dealing with it.  I hope you get whatever u r looking for. I am here is you need to talk. And its not selfish, you need to heal. 

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