i google how to survive the death of my child , and the results are insulting there are none really other then the ones offering to sell you books or the ones offering to sell you God or 20 steps to surving the death of your child the rest of the results are how to save your marriage after the death of your child um i dont know about the rest of the people here i honestly dont give a flying fuck about trying to save a damn thing i barely can save me right now any how my point you put in sex…

I guess this blog may seem out of order or confusing.. but I was here before. I was trying to be stronger than I am. I was trying to seize moment and embrace this community, and be supportive but it wasn't working out. So I took some time away and now I am back again...

Tonight I am feeling volatile, and bitter, hurt, angry, lost, depressed, hopeless and these are not typical "Mandy" feelings.  I have always been an optimist, always believed in looking forward and…

I have ATT  DSL at home and the dam thing stop working(The DSL) I just want to call them and get rid of it.

I get in a fit of depression over my wifes passing that it really gets to be a bone crusher(in other words the depression just takes you over and you have to fight thru it) its awful.If she was here she would…

I should be so happy but I feel so sad! My daughter and future son-in-law are home getting ready for their wedding Sat. Why did you have to leave me baby? I need you here with me!!! I can't do this all alone.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

I had a panic attack and couldn't sleep Sunday night. I should have taken something to sleep but, didn't know it would keep on. I"m so sad today that I can't cry. Sunday was hard. I laid in bed and slept.

As bad as this is, I still don't think I"m facing the reality of you being gone, mom. I so wish you could communicate with me. 

Love,

Sandra

Down deep we had a love for each other.As much as she was away from I missed her in a special way. She had awful mood changes taking what ever bothered out on me .She even tore into me in the hosp before things got worse. She had a love for me I miss her knowing there would be no  control and managing of my life. So its odd in a horrible way Iam alone without her control.No Iam not jumping thru hoops. However I get up the morning and plow thru it. 

May 6th 2012 I attended my cousins wedding. It was a beautiful event. She was glowing. She was happy. The groom was quite dashing. And everyone was in good spirits. Then, there I was. I came in late to the event, because the night before I was partying hard. When I walked in I was overly dressed. I had a blonde style and my makeup wasn't fresh because I didn't have time to get myself together. But at…

Hi again mom,

I"m sitting here thinking about the weekend and torn between being glad I can be away from people and worried that I will have a panic attack while I stay in our house all alone.

I"m still praying that you are in a wonderful place, a place you deserve.

I"m still angry at the cancer doctors and think they should have made your treatments a lot less severe. Someday, I may forgive them, but right now I feel lots of anger.

I"m also angry at life in…

Hi mom,

I sat outside with the lovely flowers and the new hydrangea tree and thought of you mom and how much I love you. I know you would have enjoyed all of the new flowers and trees I've planted but I never seemed to have the time to plant them when you were here. I even laughed a little thinking of some of the fun times we had together... going shopping at WalMart or even going to your eye dr. and the weekend times of sitting on the porch.  The flowers i've planted are gorgeous and…

Most upset is derived from our unwillingness to accept or release something. Like holding water, the tighter we grasp the less we have. 



Often the intense energy we expend clinging to something is the single greatest obstacle to our good. We greatly improve our lives and results by letting it go. 



Letting go does not mean giving up. It means that we take our frenetic, chaotic energy out of the picture and release our…

I miss you and love you so much.  You were my big man, my king arthur, my everything.  God must have a very special place for you in heaven because you did him so welll on earth.  You are so loved and so missed by so many.  Please know that I am praying for you every day.  I am trying to do here what you wanted for the earthly things and that keeps me busy but I so long to be with you.  I know I have to wait for God to put us back together, but my true joy will be when I meet you in heaven…

today was the first time since my wife passed that I really felt her being gone .Of course it has been such a short time since since her untimely departure I still feel her presence. I hate those flashbacks.I just happend to be looking at some old video. clips of the grandkids and heard her voice in the background.Saw her go in the kitchen a view of her back.I turned off the video Iam 65 I cann,t see making it to 70 whats the use.I mean you…

I thought I was finally starting to come around again. I guess I was - and I guess I am - and yet grief pops up and blindsides us from time to time, doesn't it?

A couple of Hollister's friends have been helping me with things I can't do around the house. They're challenging friends, these 'bequests' of his. Both are dirt poor and have drug histories (one probably is still using; the other, well, the jury's still out). Right now, I'm coming up on a trip to my Dad's to help with…

I was never really lonely with her although when she was out and about I cherished moments by myself I start remebering the good times early in the marriage.Although thru the whole time I was married the burden of her "revengful temper' was always on my back.Ugh

Iam not sure how lifes would have turned out. There was more than one time I was drinking and driving after she laid into me.Anyway she was my rock.Alhtough she made some terrible financial errors. We never did plan for the…

well before it was pretty predictable.She would go out to do what she does (nothing bad) I would enjoy those moments. The die had pretty well been cast for a long time for us. I wonder if it would be different if I paid attention to her health.Its hard to say she went on dialysis in 2008 .We got married in1977.So there must have been a time where her kidneys started to fail. Did she ever pay attention to her health or maby I should have. I don,t know.I guess there things you have no control…

I was in chat with someone tonight and the conversation started me thinking about my anger.  I have let go of that and once again didnt even recognize it had happened.  The past few weeks have really been so much calmer and I just took it for granted and didnt give it much thought until today.  I no longer feel gut twisting anger at the doctor who prescribed so much pain medicine to my son he could no longer speak clearly and one night he just stopped breathing and was gone in the morning. …

When we lose those we love,

You must understand

That it takes time

To learn to feel again –

For nothing

Can touch the heart

Which is frozen with grief.

~   Unknown