I'm having a bad day today but most mornings are awful.  My husband of 55 years has been gone now for 6 months.  In some respects that time has gone by really fast but I remember every detail of that awful time as if I am going through it right now.  And I am very bitter about the circumstances surrounding his death.  He went in the hospital to have a week of Chemo and he never left.  He developed 3 different infections while there and they literally sucked the life right out of him.  He had…

My 17 year old son was shot and killed on Mother's Day this year.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness and anger and guilt and so many other emotions that I can't seem to control it all.  I'm easily agitated by those I love and I can't focus on anything long enough to complete a task.  My heart has this deep ache.  I want people to know that he is gone because I feel like it defines me as a person but at the same time I don't want people to say the wrong thing to me for fear I might flip out.  But…

I don't know what to do anymore, so I'm going to write.

Every day feels worse and more lonely than the day before, since I lost my husband and best friend. I never knew life could go from being so beautiful and wonderful one day to being an ugly, awful burden the next day. In November and December, I never thought life could be so sweet. My husband and I had just moved on to the next phase of our life. We had bought a house only months before. We were finally finished moving in…

This time last year, I was probably sitting on the sofa with Andy, chatting rubbish and he probably cracked a joke and I'd be laughing so hard, he was the wittiest person I've ever known, unique even, but I'm not sitting laughing, I'm sitting crying and in disbelief that its been nearly a year, it seems like yesterday,  and I can honestly say I didn't think those first few months could get any worse, but they have, IT DOES NOT GET EASIER,  TIME IS NOT A HEALER, it is all bollocks, all of it,…

Remembering the day of my senior prom. I thought my dad wasn't going to see me before me and my date left. I remember being so upset with his parents because they wanted to drive us. But we wanted to go ourselves. I was getting worried because we needed to be leaving and my dad wasn't home yet. I remember saying if he doesnt get here I am not going to be happy. The next thing I see is my dad coming up the road flying in his truck. He didn't…

Yesterday, I had to pick up copies of George's death certificates and it totally devastated me. It did not bother me when I received the copies, I pretended that it did not bother me because I put the copies face down in the back of the car and did not look at them until later that night. I have not read the whole certificate but after I skimmed it looking at the cause of death I fell apart but I forced myself to hold it together until I started sobbing while watching TV with our daughter. I…

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

Today I have not been able to move. I have moved through my house, and have been on the deck but not out to interact with others and I think that it is necessary for me to get outside and speak to or see anyone other than my children. Today is so hard. My body aches and feels like lead, I know that these feelings will come and go and they have over the past few days, but today the cloud is lingering longer than usual and I am afraid if I let it take hold I will never be able to get out from…

I don't get it. I have lost so many people in my life. everyone says it get easier. But how are you to grief the lost of one person but then have to turn around and grief someone else. I lost my dad in Feb. 2012, Then I lost a cousin in Oct. 2012 due to a car wreck. She was just a little younger than me. It was hard because she was so young and left 2 lil boys behind. But when I finally excepted my…

Sunday 6-11 was my dad's first birthday that I couldn't spend with him! I held his urn most of the day and cried. Yesterday the truck he left me after passing had problems and is currently not running...I felt like I let him down. :( This Sunday is the first Fathers day I wont have him...I dont know how to get through any of this!

How long do you grieve for your someone?

How long is too long?

How is it that I feel so empty, as in no feeling. Dead inside?

I want to move on, but what steps to take?

Counseling ever actually work for anyone????

Why don't I FEEL him? He promised me he would watch over me. He's not.

Where are those doors that are supposed to be opening up for me?

Will I be able to move on and love again?

will it be any good or will I always compare…

shawn my beautiful son, it feels like a life time since I heard your voice , seen your smile heard your laughter. please shawn come to my dreams, let me know you are happy and with grandma, let me know you are still here with me, my tears sting my hearts broken.  take my hand shawn I want to go with you please baby please. I need you always and forever I love you  mom

I started taking down some of my son's belongings.  He never got to come home from the NICU, so we have this perfectly set up and charming nursery in our home.  It is a place I go to honor him, love him, look over his unworn clothes and cry for him.  

It came to me on Saturday that I was ready to start this.  I didn't want to change much, just remove some baby items off of shelves and put away packaged gifts that were not going to be opened.  I filled up two new plastic bins and was…