After the collapse almost a week ago, I'm finding I'm now dealing with a lot of anxiety just about being able to manage the basic details of life.  I'd thought I was doing OK at that before....and look what happened. Now the fear is that I can't even manage my own life, much less finishing the mess that my wife left me by killing herself.  It's not as bad today as it was last night, which was almost crippling.  I meet with my counselor tomorrow and plan to bring it up.  I'm really hoping…

Since my dad passed away I have been writing letters to him.  Some just tell him about what I've been up to, but most just tell how how miserable I've been since losing him.  I had a dream about him last night, in it he came to see me to tell me the cancer had spread again into his sinuses.  I kept crying telling him this wasnt supposed to happen any more.

frustrated today.  medical bills are coming in droves, doctors i've never heard of, for services that didn't work.  should be a survivor thing, if he dies you don't have to pay.   someone told me to pay nothing for 6 months, wait for everything to arrive then sort it out, what the insurance paid, what they didn't and what's still owed.  UGGGHHHH we've still about $50,000 from an amputation they deemed pre-existing 5 years ago when all of this first began.  Im sad that we struggled so hard to…

In the last few days I've gotten to learn just how badly all this has depelted me.  ABout 10 days ago, I came down with a cold.  No surprise, given the stress of my wife's suicide.  I was semi-functional on the weekend, but then ended up home Monday and Tuesday from work.  I thought I was doing better Wednesday and managed 8 hours at work, but Thursday I was only there half the day before I had to go early.  I went to the local urgent care place, where the doc told me the coughing was likely…

Well just when I was wanting to make our site better Ning is going through changes so I have to wait until they are done. Here is the update from Ning

Why didn't Ning launch the Ning Design Studio with profile customization enabled?

Getting profile customization to work with the Design Studio is a good chunk of work. It might seem like we removed a feature, but there was no way we could just re-use the old profile customization experience. We have to rebuild it…

I am having trouble getting through my days now.  My brother died one week ago, after a long illness.  He did so well with his illness, a true hero in my mind.  I am still having guilty anxious feelings about our estrangement, for some years, before I found out about his illness, 3 years ago.  The estrangement was from both sides, more from his than mine, in some ways, but I let it go on, and even felt it was the right thing for me too.  Now I regret those missed years.  

I take some…

Please listen to this song to remember our DASH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYlLtTMcnoM

Today lets allow our DASH to shine brilliantly and count magnificently. 

www.americasgriefcoach.com

Send you all love may we all pray for Japan, Coach…

  I thought I was doing so well since Matt died. I have my days where all I do is cry and stay in bed. But I've been able to function, spend time with my daughter, work... 

  Lately I just feel so empty and lonely and lost.

  When I found out his cause of death was sudden cardiac arrest I was relieved. I knew he died within minutes. Knew that even had I been home when he died, I couldn't have done anything to save him.

  But I feel so much guilt still that my daughter…

I found this web site hoping there would be somebody going through the same thing or close to it but do young people never lose spouses by freak accidents? i mean it makes me feel like im for some reason being punished i know thats not true but still...they had a 8 week grief seminar in my town and i thought great people i can talk to but i was the only one under the age of 40 there! not that i want other young women and men go through the same thing ugh i dont know…

Received Eric's stuff today in the mail that his sister had sent me. I must of known it would be here today. I felt nervous all morning and was thinking about it. Part of me was scared to open it because of the emotions that would come from seeing, touching smelling his stuff. I went through the book he was writing in to me. It was obvious how much he loved me, and how much he was looking forward to our future. This makes me so sad and frustrated. I don't think I will ever find anybody like…