for 2016 I wished with all my heart to be with my son, im so lonely and tired, I cry all the time, I just want so much to be happy once more,  and that will only happen when im holding my shawn again. please god stop my suffering my pain and take me to my baby. I want so very much to die, please hear and answer my prayes please. I have nothing let, I feel nothing but pain,  I just want to go now im ready, please answer me.

I just had to share one of my good friends words to me earlier today "hope you have a happy new year jo, hope it's better than this years", to say I wanted to punch her in the face is a bloody understatement,  of course im not going to have a happy new year you stupid  idiot woman, Andys dead , im never going to have a happy new year again you utter moron, now that is what I should have said instead of just smiling back before walking away, do people including our so called friends really…

Just a simple prayer tonite:  please God help me through this painful night. Help me, and others, to WANT to open our eyes and face another day...

Hello all...

I just found out this afternoon a dear friend has colon cancer. She was the one who went me to the hospital when my son, Jesse transitioned in Oct of 2012.

She and her husband own a company that I was just added as an employee about two weeks ago...she wants me to manage the office tomorrow. So I will wing it I guess.

Her surgery is tomorrow evening, at 6 pm. Warm thoughts and prayers welcomed. Her name is Kim. Thank you all in advance.

I feel I've had another experience that he's with me but I need to know I'm not the only one seeing it ... ?

 Last night I went to bed. I have a sleep app on my tablet I use. I opened it up but set it aside as I forgot I was going to read for a bit. Once finished I put the book down, picked up my tablet, unlocked the screen and saw red scribbles that were not there prior. This scribble app has come open at least once before and I don't even know how to pull it up. But I immediately…

 today I let 3 balloons go, red my sons fav colour, x mas one and one that said I love you always and forever. I do it every x mas and his birthday. I know in my heart he got them, I watched them till I could not see them anymore.  I have cryed all day , please make this day end, I love you shawn forever,  mom

Well I want to wish everyone out there a safe day.I know how much sadness one can have inside them as I live with it everyday. My mom loves Christmas, all the lights,the baking and family .All the happiness that should be there .But is not there anymore.

I have been able to hide my feelings for the most part but I know with my moms birthday on the new years eve, it will be a different story. Mom I will do my best to stay strong. I have planned a nice dinner ,with cake and will share…

So in 45 mins it will be my daughter Honeys 10th birthday,  the ballons are up the presents are wrapped but the one present I can not give her is her daddy back, she went to bed sobbing saying she doesn't want any gifts only her daddy, so do I more than anything but listening to her crying I realise that she needs him more than me which I selfishly sometimes forget due to my needing and missing him, and then I'm reminded of my sheer anger how bloody cruel life is again, shes only 9 for…

These past five years have been so hard on me that I have completely changed as a person. I lost the person I loved most. It doesn't matter if that person is your mother, father, daughter, or son. It doesn't even matter if the one you loved most walked on two legs or four, such as in the case of my "dam" dog as someone here rudely implied. I have lost nearly my entire family in the past five years. My poor little dog was about all I had left. My husband is ill, and my only child has stomped…

tonight I was sitting with my husband talking, when he told me our friends don't come around here anymore it was because of me, I was depressing. hating x mas and everything to do with it. that hurt me a lot, I cryed and went to my room,  I just don't feel he understands, he wants everything to go back to the way it was, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, I told him to just go, leave me alone.  shawns the love of my life and hes all I need. I pray to him to take me home, to hold me and never let me…

Every day is hard and miserable but Sunday seems to be the worst. I have thought to myself that I need to find something to do but by then I'm so tired from the prior week, exhausted from life, I don't want anything to do. I'm ready for something meaningful and I only want Gary. So I just get that much more depressed.

What a waste of time! Waste of a day. Waste of a life. Waste of an existence.

For all these months I couldn't accept Gary died, couldn't say the "d" word. Still…

I cant stop crying, to know  x mas will soon be here, and you wont., my depression is getting worse, I passed out the other night, for the first time. I just miss you so much and need  you so very bad. I hope  every night you hear me, im  so  proud of you and proud to be your mom forever.with out  you shawn there is no x mas and there never will be.  there will be no laughter, or smiles.  just emptiness here and in my heart. I pray to be with you, and hope its soon.  I cant live without you…

Apologue:

~ Little Bird ~

Let me preface this by saying from the time my daughter was a year

old, all those close to her called her by her nickname "Bird". It

suited her to a Tee, because she was forever chirping and flitting

about, always so trusting and full of joy. This is what happened 6

months after she passed away...

It was just a few days after I'd moved in to a new house when the

most curious thing…

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted. Things have been up and down...mostly down. But I

found a way to ease my sorrow just a bit for a short time. I write emails to my Nancy that, of

course, I never send. I've only done 2 so far but they have helped me get through another 

lousy, despairing, tear filled day. When I do that, I feel like she is with me. Almost leaning

over my shoulder and telling me things to write. I know that doesn't make sense but it…