today is hollween, my husband ask me to help him give out candy, I told him no. I just don't care any more. I would rather just turn the lights out and stay in bed. I feel im just to tired to care. I need shawn here, I miss him so bad, I still pray to die, and all I do is cry.  nothing matters anymore nothing.

I was telling a friend of mine that I am feeling depressed about my Mom and she suggested I buy one of those coloring books for adults. I finally got around to it a week ago. I chose one with flowers and inspirational messages. They have so many of them on the market; it was hard to choose, but that one spoke to me. So every day when I think of Mom and begin to feel sad, I bring out the book, my colored pencils and marking pens. I put on music that I like and start coloring. Just doing it…

Reading through various entries today I was reminded of Morgan's line, Everything is the same yet nothing is the same. The first time I read that it hit me. Reading it again, I can't think of an oxymoron more true in this fucking hell. There is just no fucking point to any day. No meaning. No reason when everything can be taken away in the blink of a fucking eye. I am still so mad that this is my damn life. I feel so robbed. I didn't get time. I didn't get to come home to Gary crafting up…

I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to you, Mom. As I went through a box of your things today, I found your jewelry. Many pieces are ones that I gave you for different occasions and each one brought back such precious memories of times we shared. I'm trying so hard to hold on to those memories; the good times. It's just that this hole in my heart feels so big right now. In our last conversation, you told me of the dream you had the night before where Grandma came to you and held…

I came home from work.  Normal day.  My sweetheart was in the shower, I heated up his dinner and made mine, he came out in his pajamas and kissed me hello.  He told me of his day and how happy he was that his union was on strike and he could be home now.  After dinner he always took a nap, but for some reason he didn't.  He saw the neighbor cutting down trees and walked up the top of the hill to give him a drink and talk.  I was changing the string on the lawn trimmer and the neighbor…

 my  beautiful son shawn, soon nov 5 will be here and I just don't think I can take it. I want to see you, feel you and hold you forever. I want to hear your voice,  oh god I would give my life in a min to hear you say mom again.  im told im in a deep depression, pills pills pills and nothings helping. I beg you everyday to take me home with you,  please don't leave me here in hell alone empty, such a dark place to be in.  pain like I have never felt before each and everyday.  I miss you so…

Another bereaved member of my forum found this article on Presidents who lost children. It is from the New York Times:

Retrieved October 23, 2015 from the New York Times

Parental Grief Has Often Been a Factor in Presidential Politics

 my beautiful son shawn, my health is getting worse, I had a lot of tests done out of town. I pray every night  ill be with you very soon. I stopped careing about everything but you.  I cry all the time, and I stay in my room a lot. im just waiting for you to take me home. please shawn I hurt so much I just cant take any more pain,  im ready baby take my hand. I love you always and forever and I miss you so much   love  mom

why do i miss her so much..Probably because this was our month the month we celebrated us being october babies together. My mom was my life her and my dad. Now she is gone and I have dad living with me which is a constant reminder she is gone. I am not depressed just sad. I get tired of people saying I am depressed and dont know how to deal with it. Well I know how to deal with alot of things they need to just back off and let me be me. I am happy I am here for dad and I am happy for all the…

It has now been almost 5 years since the unexpected death of my mother. I have been really down and am thinking about going on anti-depressants. I am nervous about this though...I just feel like I need her so much for the things I am going through and will need her in the future. I am the oldest of four kids and have spent the most time with her out of my siblings, but I feel like we were not close and I constantly wonder if we would have been now. I am now 25 years old and just feel lost…

Hannah Kristin Bird

Sept 4.1997 - Aug 11, 2012

My daughter passed away on August 11, 2012.

This is the day my world ended. I woke up in a nightmare that I'm never gonna wake up from.

She was my best friend, my traveling partner, my everything.

She was a smaller version of me.

The day she left. Changed my world forever, my world shifted and I know it's never gonna shift back. I no longer live a normal life…

Hi.  When I was 4, I lost my grandfather to cancer.  He'd worked the coal mines of the Kentucky mountains back before they had anything to protect their breathing.  He had black lung and was a chain smoker.  There were at least 2 others in my family who died the same way.  I remember him lying in bed and the room being dark and he would ask me to get him things, small things like a box of tissues, and when I would come back, he would call me his Little Nurse.  His nickname for me was Little…

My Mother and Step-daddy were both shot and killed in the house I pretty much grew up in on Jan. 23rd of this year(2015). The person who did it has been arrested and indicted by a grand jury he was arrested on Feb. 24th. but he hasn't gone to trail yet. Some times it still doesn't seem real, and I'm still in shock and just want to know why...I know there is never gonna be an answer that will, make sense or justify it or anything, cause nothing will bring them back!! I know it was over a…

Every day I smile

A smile I hide behind

My eyes conceal all that is within

The darkness around my heart consumes me

But when asked, I reply ' I'm fine'

My sense of loss, like a child looking for a hand to hold

My bitten fingernails

The feeling of falling when my feet are firmly on the ground

But when asked, I reply ' I'm fine'

The tension in my temples

The bubbling anger rising

The…

today my doctor and grieving counceiler both came today at the same time. 23 months today and all I can do is cry. I have a frozen shoulder and torn muscel in my arm. she also put me on more pills to help me sleep and deal with my depression, up to 9 now at night and 5 in the morning. I miss shawn so much, its just to hard and pain full to keep going on, day after day the pain is still there and nothng will ever help. thanks giving is sunday and I picked a few things up for shawn then I…