Yesterday, I had to pick up copies of George's death certificates and it totally devastated me. It did not bother me when I received the copies, I pretended that it did not bother me because I put the copies face down in the back of the car and did not look at them until later that night. I have not read the whole certificate but after I skimmed it looking at the cause of death I fell apart but I forced myself to hold it together until I started sobbing while watching TV with our daughter. I…

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

Today I have not been able to move. I have moved through my house, and have been on the deck but not out to interact with others and I think that it is necessary for me to get outside and speak to or see anyone other than my children. Today is so hard. My body aches and feels like lead, I know that these feelings will come and go and they have over the past few days, but today the cloud is lingering longer than usual and I am afraid if I let it take hold I will never be able to get out from…

I don't get it. I have lost so many people in my life. everyone says it get easier. But how are you to grief the lost of one person but then have to turn around and grief someone else. I lost my dad in Feb. 2012, Then I lost a cousin in Oct. 2012 due to a car wreck. She was just a little younger than me. It was hard because she was so young and left 2 lil boys behind. But when I finally excepted my…

Sunday 6-11 was my dad's first birthday that I couldn't spend with him! I held his urn most of the day and cried. Yesterday the truck he left me after passing had problems and is currently not running...I felt like I let him down. :( This Sunday is the first Fathers day I wont have him...I dont know how to get through any of this!

How long do you grieve for your someone?

How long is too long?

How is it that I feel so empty, as in no feeling. Dead inside?

I want to move on, but what steps to take?

Counseling ever actually work for anyone????

Why don't I FEEL him? He promised me he would watch over me. He's not.

Where are those doors that are supposed to be opening up for me?

Will I be able to move on and love again?

will it be any good or will I always compare…

shawn my beautiful son, it feels like a life time since I heard your voice , seen your smile heard your laughter. please shawn come to my dreams, let me know you are happy and with grandma, let me know you are still here with me, my tears sting my hearts broken.  take my hand shawn I want to go with you please baby please. I need you always and forever I love you  mom

I started taking down some of my son's belongings.  He never got to come home from the NICU, so we have this perfectly set up and charming nursery in our home.  It is a place I go to honor him, love him, look over his unworn clothes and cry for him.  

It came to me on Saturday that I was ready to start this.  I didn't want to change much, just remove some baby items off of shelves and put away packaged gifts that were not going to be opened.  I filled up two new plastic bins and was…

everyday and night I ask shawn why he left me here alone, why did god not give you a second chance, I never get an answer. I don't want to be here anymore, not without my son. this pain never stops, never ends, to live like this is not living, I want to smile, laugh and I never will till im with him, god please make it soon, all I do is cry, hurt like I have never hurt before. why baby did you leave me, I need you always have always will. I keep waiting for you to come home, come back to me…

A few nights ago I was watching the show ‘Catfish’. Im not sure if you’ve seen it before but its basically two guys whom get together to investigate and find out if people are who they really say they are over the internet.  The episode I was watching was a little different than the usual guy or girl trying to figure out if their internet significant other is really who they say they are.  This episode featured a young woman who said she had been contacted by a woman claiming to make contact…

I went to watch the UFC fights last night.  In the middle of it all, the bar food and cheap beer...I couldn't stop thinking of my son.  It was loud and everybody was smiling and having a good time; distracted with what was on every large screen T.V.  I kept thinking about how I should have been at home with him, how I should not have been there at a musty bar with friends.  I didn't want to drag my husband down with me and my thoughts, so I went outside and cried for Wyatt.

I should…

Went on Facebook today and someone shared a memory, which was a video of Billy.  In it Billy is being Billy. Seeing it should have brought a smile to my face seeing him and hearing his voice, but instead it was like a knife being twisted in my heart and gut. Seeing it brought back all the happy memories, but that only caused more pain and sadness. Seeing that video basically ruined my day and put me into a funk. I don't get it. Why didn't it make me happy. It gave me a chance to see him,…