I talked to my sister this afternoon.  I told her I was missing my wife and feeling very lonely.  Her response was a pep talk and how I would find someone again.  All that just reinforced the finality of my wife being gone.  

So tonight instead of the evening calmness, I have anxiety.  My mind is not clear.  I guess it's the realization of never having my wife back, combined with the fear of never feeling the intimate closeness that I took for granted too much of the time.  My…

I woke up today with less anxiety, but it is only supplanted with the deep longing for my wife.  She was almost always happy in the morning, I long to see her smile at me again when I wake up, and I never will.  Anything and everything triggers the longing.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of her.  I am 53 years old, I met my wife when I was 22, we were together for 31 years, how can the void be healed? 

Perhaps the reason mornings are so rough for me is…

One day after their wedding anniversary, my best friend Rebecca lost her husband to a stroke.  He had had many health challenges, including diabetes, high blood pressure and kidney disease.  He didn't follow the diabetic diet at all well.  In fact the meal they had for their anniversary was not on that diet.  When heard where they were going for that meal, I had some misgivings, but knew that he had done that many times and recovered pretty well.  But this time I had a strong sense of …

Today was a day, my back issues were bothering me for a lot of the day (diagnosed with herniated disc), so I basically put up with the discomfort until it resolves, it could be months or role the dice and go under the knife.  Right now I really want to avoid surgery.

I also met with my contractor regarding home repairs, he did not feel the house issues were as severe as I thought so that is one good thing.  But, he can't do the work until August.

I also…

I don't understand this, how is it that I can wake up and before any thoughts really go through my mind, I feel anxiety.  It is truly baffling why that occurs.  

Last night I could not fall asleep, that's the first time since my wife passed away that I have had that issue.  By the time I go to bed I am usually mentally exhausted and go right to sleep, but not last night.  I tossed and turned until 2 am then finally fell asleep.  

I have been reading self help…

Evening again, and again feeling relatively calm, still sad, just calm. 

I was listening to Howard Stern interviewing Robert Downy Jr. this morning.  Robert was talking about how people come into and out of our lives, it struck a cord.  

I need to learn to control my thoughts better, the reality I have created in my head is not a good place to have to dwell.  Too much worrying.

I know I can get through this, I know I have worth, I know the world…

Another day begins, ugh.

Today's itinerary:

1) Open eyes and realize the nightmare continues

2) Anxiety builds as I think of what I have to do and know the level of loneliness I will feel.

3) Plan tasks to fill meaningless day

4) Do tasks like an automaton, while mind lives in past replaying what I should have done or said.

5) Suffer, suffer, and suffer some more

6) Hope for some calmness…

I completely freaked out about an hour ago, I was at the airport waiting to catch my flight.  

The health problem i thought was resolving came back in full force.  I forgot to take the prescription anti-inflammatory yesterday and today, then to top it all I forgot to pack them for my trip.  I had committed go back to work and they way I felt at the airport made me bail out on going back to work.  I have never used so much sick leave in my life, fortunately I have a lot of sick…

4/25/15: Finally I dreamt of Nick! I didn't want to wake up. I saw him, he was smiling. He looked happy. We were talking but just like the conversation we had the last time I saw him I cant remember what we talked about. Even though I have tried to think over and over about what we said to each other the last time we saw each other I cant remember and it hurts not to remember.

Just like in real life all I could do was focus on your eyes and your smile but I cant remember what you were…

I didn't write anything yesterday, so this is two days worth.  

Yesterday an antique dealer come over to pick over my wife things.  It was a miserable experience, strangers in my home offering pennies on the dollar of things my wife valued.  I had to walk away several times to regain my composure.  But it has to be done, my wife had too, too many things and I can not live with the clutter and all the reminders.

My sister was there with me and after they left we…

Not a dark post, suitable for all viewers.

I was down most of the day and evening.  It was finally around 10:30 pm starting feeling normal. What a welcome reprieve.  I talked with my sister, that helped some, then heard from an old friend, that I have not talked to in a good while, made me feel good, yes actually good.  

For me, the farther on this road I travel, the more it comes down to human interaction.  

I apologize for such a negative post…

This is a dark and negative post, nothing positive, read it at your own risk.

Anxiety.

It's back, and it sucks.  I worry about my son a lot. He is mentally challenged and this morning those worries combined with everything else, have me wanting to jump out of my skin.  I try to meditate to clear my mind, it's not working.  I want to curl up in bed with my wife, and that is gone forever.  I want to discuss my sons issues with her, never again.  I want her to tell…

Each day things change.  

My biggest problem recently was the anxiety.  Today not so much, today it was deep longing for my wife and terrible loneliness.  That was combined with my sister coming over to help go through my wife's things and I was a mess.  Not much I could do to prevent getting upset, just too many triggers.  My sister did her best to get me out of my funk but it did little good, I think it was something I just had to get through.  Now I'm not too bad, maybe…

The following post is not meant to offend anyone, I respect everyone's personal beliefs, these just happen to be mine.  Please don't take offense, that is not my purpose.

The conundrum of how the level of grief that I and many of us here feel relates to any evolutionary purpose has been on my mind.   Homo Sapiens have been around about 200,000 years, of that time period the vast majority was spent in the paleolithic era, where humans lived in small groups subsisting by hunting…

Well I slept better last night, so that's something. 

I have contemplated on why mornings are so difficult for me.  My wife was a morning person, almost always waking in a good mood, and I am not.  So she was my sunshine in the morning, I miss that, probably why it hurts so much during that time.

I have things to do today so maybe keeping busy will help me get through the day a little better.  I will still try to battle the thought loops that plague me.

Not having the usual evening calm, tonight it's anxiety.  I never had an issue with this in my life before my wife passed away.  I don't like how it is become a more prevalent feeling.   It's debilitating.

I am still in denial.  How such a good day went so bad, how so many little things would probably changed the outcome, can't come to terms with what happened.  I will never understand the alcohol addiction, putting alcohol before your own welfare and that of your…

It feels like I am playing some kind of war game with my grief, measure vs counter-measure.  What seemed to help and get me out of the loops in my head yesterday are ineffective today.   So today has not been good.

I dreamt of my wife last night, seemed very real, we were sitting and I told her, "I'm sorry" and she said, "It's Ok", and reached to me and I woke.  I think I was apologizing for not be able to save her.

Perhaps I should write more, hence that's why…

My wife of 22 years passed away from inflammatory breast cancer on March 8/15.  We started dating when she was 15 and I was 16.  We have 2 beautiful daughters aged 12 and 8.  I am putting on a brave face on the outside but I am devastated mentally.  This is not the way life was suppose to go.  She took good care of herself and didn't smoke or drink.  It should have been me.  She battled this disease for 2 years and took numerous chemo radiation and surgical methods to fight it.  All for…

I don't want to sound like a baby, but I miss my boyfriend so much. I'm to the point where keeping myself busy isn't really working. He's always on my mind now. I also lost a close friend to leukemia less than a year after my boyfriend died. I think about him too. Recently I've been thinking about both of them and I wonder why I lost them both in a short amount of time. I feel so alone sometimes. I have this feeling like it should've been me. I miss them both dearly and I wish they were…