waking at night with panic attacks, noises in the apt, bldg, have me scared that Tods fallen.  I remember sleeping on the edge of awake, think i did it for so long, his machines would alarm, or he'd drop something in the night, or god forbid he'd fall that i learned to never fall asleep...we used to laugh that it was like having a new born in the house,, it wasn't all that funny for me.

he was awake at night alot of time because he'd sleep during the day (out of boredom), but…

Hello,  I just got back from spending a week with my daughter and her girls.  Had a good time, but missed being on here. those little girls give her a run for her money. This week she is sick.  She has pancreatitis and is in an enormous amount of pain. She has high blood pressure, and just started medication for that.  Found herself getting dizzy and light headed.  Dr. told her it is because her body is not used to this…

out of  body experience....its how i feel about my days  im going through the motions getting things done, surviving but not involved on a real experience level.  i just move, do, sleep, eat, wake and do again.  everything has an anniversary, tuesdays are when we went to the hospital for the last time, fridays when he refused the ventilator, saturdays when he passed, my new life calendar.  tomorrow with be 4 weeks of tuesdays :(

when will this feeling stop?

Well it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. It's not that I don't think about him, but I think I'm all cried out and everything I wanted to say was said I guess. However, that being said I am writing because this has been a difficult day for me, even more so tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been Eric's 40th birthday. The one he did not want to spend alone and was hoping to be here already with me.  I heard from his niece that they are going to go out and celebrate it next weekend. Wish I was…

3 weeks tomorrow, i've started sleeping better, and im have intervals of not crying until someone brings tod up.  i know people mean well, but if i think about toddie i can't function, and i can't afford to lose my job.

friday night, our night to watch all of our dumb shows, stay up late, curl up and cuddle after dinner together.  the week would be over and we would wind down in each others company, thrilled to have two full days together.  He was so lonely while i worked all…

After the collapse almost a week ago, I'm finding I'm now dealing with a lot of anxiety just about being able to manage the basic details of life.  I'd thought I was doing OK at that before....and look what happened. Now the fear is that I can't even manage my own life, much less finishing the mess that my wife left me by killing herself.  It's not as bad today as it was last night, which was almost crippling.  I meet with my counselor tomorrow and plan to bring it up.  I'm really hoping…

Since my dad passed away I have been writing letters to him.  Some just tell him about what I've been up to, but most just tell how how miserable I've been since losing him.  I had a dream about him last night, in it he came to see me to tell me the cancer had spread again into his sinuses.  I kept crying telling him this wasnt supposed to happen any more.

frustrated today.  medical bills are coming in droves, doctors i've never heard of, for services that didn't work.  should be a survivor thing, if he dies you don't have to pay.   someone told me to pay nothing for 6 months, wait for everything to arrive then sort it out, what the insurance paid, what they didn't and what's still owed.  UGGGHHHH we've still about $50,000 from an amputation they deemed pre-existing 5 years ago when all of this first began.  Im sad that we struggled so hard to…

In the last few days I've gotten to learn just how badly all this has depelted me.  ABout 10 days ago, I came down with a cold.  No surprise, given the stress of my wife's suicide.  I was semi-functional on the weekend, but then ended up home Monday and Tuesday from work.  I thought I was doing better Wednesday and managed 8 hours at work, but Thursday I was only there half the day before I had to go early.  I went to the local urgent care place, where the doc told me the coughing was likely…

Well just when I was wanting to make our site better Ning is going through changes so I have to wait until they are done. Here is the update from Ning

Why didn't Ning launch the Ning Design Studio with profile customization enabled?

Getting profile customization to work with the Design Studio is a good chunk of work. It might seem like we removed a feature, but there was no way we could just re-use the old profile customization experience. We have to rebuild it…

I am having trouble getting through my days now.  My brother died one week ago, after a long illness.  He did so well with his illness, a true hero in my mind.  I am still having guilty anxious feelings about our estrangement, for some years, before I found out about his illness, 3 years ago.  The estrangement was from both sides, more from his than mine, in some ways, but I let it go on, and even felt it was the right thing for me too.  Now I regret those missed years.  

I take some…

Please listen to this song to remember our DASH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYlLtTMcnoM

Today lets allow our DASH to shine brilliantly and count magnificently. 

www.americasgriefcoach.com

Send you all love may we all pray for Japan, Coach…

  I thought I was doing so well since Matt died. I have my days where all I do is cry and stay in bed. But I've been able to function, spend time with my daughter, work... 

  Lately I just feel so empty and lonely and lost.

  When I found out his cause of death was sudden cardiac arrest I was relieved. I knew he died within minutes. Knew that even had I been home when he died, I couldn't have done anything to save him.

  But I feel so much guilt still that my daughter…