Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Debs's Page
Profile Information
- About Me:
- I'm 41. Divorced. Jobless. Homeless. Up to my eyeballs in medical debt. Friendless. Hopeless. Lost. Exhausted. Studied child psychology. Written several books. Worked for a number of years in various charities. I have two children - 19 and 17. I haven't seen them for a year. I'm a minister's daughter. I don't know what you want to know...
- About my Loss:
- 19 August 2014 I was in a car accident that left me paraplegic - or so I was told. I went through 3 months spinal rehab before moving home to nurse my mom through cancer for a 4th time - except this time, it was to nurse her til she died and honour her wishes as per her living will. Mom wanted to die at home. She was my everything. We wrote her biography together. We were training for our first marathon together. We were best friends. She was the only person I could ever trust and know, she would always be there.
I survived rape, divorce, bipolar, self-mutilation, anorexia, nursing mom and pushing myself to my utmost limits to successfully get out of a wheelchair in 11 months and 13 days against all odds and predictions...I walked...but mom died in my arms.
Everyone remembers mom smiling and positive and a woman f such strong faith and character and she was all that and more...but I just cant seem to process the last few months of her life.
My name was the last word she said. She made me promise not to leave her and I didnt, but she should have lived. She was the good one. She had something to offer this world.
As the acute leukemia rapidly set in and I realized it as attacking mom's mind, I immediately asked her all those crappy questions one asks when someone's dying. She prayed a blessing over me. but fighting her fevers night after night and telling her not to worry when she started bleeding out her nose and cleaning up her vomit and tepid bathing her to try pointlessly to reduce her fever and holding her and telling her everything was going to be okay when I knew it wasn't. I asked my family for help and no one came. I wasnt enough.
Three days before mom died I eventually had to take her to hospital because I couldn't control her pain anymore. She was in and out of consciousness and terrified of going to hospital. I touched her when I spoke to her and promised to be with her 24/7 and I was...for three days straight and on the third day, I climbed into her hospital bed and just held her. She was suffocating from lack of oxygen and we could do nothing to "prolong" her life, except give her morphine. All i could do was put my hand on her chest and keep telling her everything was going to be okay.
And by the end of that day I left for just a few hours to bath and try eat and put on clean clothes. I was still in a wheelchair when I nursed mom. i asked the nursing sister to please phone me if there was any change but she phoned too late.
Every night without fail I wake up at 00h45. The same time I received a call from the hospital to come quickly. When I got to the hospital I told one of the staff members to push my wheelchair and run. I was 5 minutes too late. Mom was still warm. I uncovered her face. Why do they cover people's faces when they die?
My dad got to the hospital. We had the biggest fight of our lives and I left, got home and packed my bags and took off to the nearest airport, booked the next flight and travelled 10 000 kms through South Africa, in a wheelchair alone.
I came home to find mom's medication still next to her side of the bed like it had been let three months before. I got rid of all the chemo injections and morphine etc. I packed up her clothes. Gave everyone what she wanted them to have. Packed up the house for my dad. I still couldnt find work but I finally took my first steps out of the wheelchair in June. Mom died 6 March.
I tried so hard to get over the grief because I was told I'm supposed to be happy cause mom's in heaven...and i'm thankful or that...but im in hell.
By August I was in Intensive Care - alone. They discovered - after surviving all the shit I somehow managed to wade through, that I have a kidney disease which affects my potassium levels which aggrevated a heart defect they didn't know existed - apparently the same defect my mom had - a prolapsed mitril valve.
i gave everything i had left. but in reality i died the day mom did. and i just cant find my way back to life and its of for lack of trying.
but im so tired. i dont want to do this anymore. i want out.
- Are You a Service Provider? If Yes, please tell us about your service.
- No. I'm just a published author.
Debs's Blog
STAY GOLD
So much has happened since I first connected with Grief Support...
When I read my profile this morning, it was like reading about someone else.
It's been a year since mom died. I'm still travelling but...I've recently come to understand that maybe I wasn't travelling as much as I was running because I just didn't know how to process the pain.
I felt so ashamed, guilty, lost, alone, afraid, angry...and then at other times I felt nothing.
But...time...hasn't…
ContinuePosted on April 3, 2016 at 12:37am — 3 Comments
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OMG, I read your profile after I read "Stay Gold". Is it possible for you to put on your profile your published books because I have the feeling I want to buy them.
Your mother was the "good one" but you have already given more to the world in this post and your profile than most of us might in a lifetime. I cannot imagine the added burden of your personal medical struggles but you are a beacon shining into the darkness of a universal consciousness that awakens a spirit of fortitude for anyone that reads of your painful journey.
I can only see that big star in the sky is your mother shining back at you lighting your path in the distance as you walk the rest of the journey here. She is still guiding you, as my husband is me, the best they can while singing for us the songs of the symphony played by the universe. You are right…….There's no such thing as grieving too long because truth is...my life has changed forever…..and I am trying hard to honour the process.
morgan