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Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 12, 2015 at 8:03am

lost- I can't imagine your pain. My husband had heart disease; 6 heart attacks. We were together for the last 4. I thank God that I was with him each time. When he had #5 he was driving and I had to grab the steering wheel and move his foot at the same time while trying to pull the car over in traffic. That was terrifying!!! But I had 13 years with the most wonderful man God could have blessed me with.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 12, 2015 at 7:51am

I wish that I would dream about Mark. I would love to see him even if only in a dream. I have pictures but..... I miss him so much!!!!!!!!!

Comment by lost on April 12, 2015 at 4:51am

I can't sleep..even with Ambien. I am so lost. I keep thinking about my husband dieing in the car. Had a heart attack coming home. He left work only after being there a few hours. Text me that he was not feeling well. Vomiting. He never vomits. Why didn't we recognize that there was something happening besides an upset stomach. Why didn't I call him instead of texting him. I would if heard something strange in his voice....I would if insisted on an ambulance. Maybe if he went straight to the hospital instead of trying to come home...he could be alive now. Why did such a wonderful man have to die alone in a car?

Comment by Ally M on April 12, 2015 at 1:51am

I forgot to mention he was only 46 when he died.  I'm sorry for the lengthy rambling post, it's just so unfair.

Comment by Ally M on April 12, 2015 at 1:44am

I am afraid whenever I dream about Steve.  When I am awake I always wonder if I did enough, and I think about all the things I could've done better.  I quit my job to take care of him- he was i the hospital or a rehab facility all but 10 days during the last 10 months of his life.  He spent months in ICU in total, and was on a ventilator a few times, but he always recovered and returned to the rehab center.  He had dialysis 3 to 5 days a week and was always on IV antibiotics.  I was there with him every day during those months but sometimes I was tired and came in the afternoon, or left earlier in the evening.  The last time he was in the hospital the first 2 days were okay.  He progressively got worse and went into ICU and back on a ventilator.  I thought he would get better like he did before and I would at least get to hold his hand, talk with him, share a meal, etc.
Instead after one day in ICU his heart stopped and I saw his eyes roll back in his head.  I had just gotten the nurse a couple minutes before because he seemed so restless and feverish.  Steve wanted to fight and be full code, so they did CPR and shocked his heart- I was in the room.  They got him back after the first shock, but he never was never the same.  He didn't squeeze hands or communicate with the letter board again, but on day two he was able to give a thumbs up and would make eye contact.  That was the high point.  The hospital and transplant teams had a care conference with me and had palliative care involved.  They were putting some medications in through a feeding tube, but had to pull them back out after 8 to 12 hours as they weren't digesting.  A couple days later Steve was literally climbing out of bed, constantly putting his mitted hands up to his breathing tube.  His eyes were wide and scared and he was picking at the air, I have no idea what he was seeing.  I called his long time episcopal priest, who presided at our wedding and had visited us many times at the hospital over the past 10 years- he came to the hospital to pray with Steve.  Steve couldn't focus and was extremely restless.  His eyes continued to look afraid and he was grabbing at the air.  He didn't seem to know father John was there, and father John agreed.  I decided to remove life support later that evening.  Steve lived just over 30 minutes.  I went through so much acute trauma and surgeries with him over the past 10 years, intermixed with years of good times and health.  The past year he was very ill, but kept recovering enough to go back to the skilled care center.  I never expected that I wouldn't at least get to see him again at that level.  I miss him so much.  I feel like I dealt with acute illness, long term illness, and taking him off life support- without really ever getting to say goodbye.  My heart is broken, and I know how you all feel that it's just waiting for time to go by until I can join him.

Comment by Nancy on April 11, 2015 at 10:02pm

Had a dream during a nap today about Will. I haven't dreamed about him yet. I was in some kind of big school or house (a reoccurring theme for me) and I saw Will, and he was so confused and lost. Then he kind of came out of it and started talking to me, asking what was going on... I told him I was worried about him, that he wasn't himself lately, and he said he agreed, and I asked what it felt like, he said it hurt sometimes, coming in and out of the fog. Then I lost him in the dream. I hope that was just my crazy brain rehashing what his last days were like and not a reflection of where he's at now.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 11, 2015 at 9:57pm

Holy crap, I drove over an island in a parking lot today..didn't even see it...my mind is just a mess too ......

Comment by morgan on April 11, 2015 at 8:40pm

George- Great article.  Truth is the grief is all over the place.  I cant recall any of my grief following any pattern of five stages in these two years.  I can be all of them at once and I am still experiencing all of them still.  No stages just rinse and repeat as it wants.  Just like you said.  (You are a man of fewer words but wise words.) And I doubt you are a psycho.  It just feels like that because we have lost touch with the reality we thought was forever.  The biggest thing is it helps to talk about our feelings with those who understand what this is like.  It is for me the place I go to because no one else can understand how painful this can be.  We are now our internal support system.

JohnT-I have done the same things you did today myself over and over.  The gas gauge mistaken for overheating and screaming and having to pull over, not the exact same things but similar as far as going crazy.  It is absolutely incredible how our brain is interpreting the loss of our love.  How is this possible?  What is happening that our feelings are causing us wicked torment?  Is it brain wiring? Is it programmed into our DNA?  WTH?

Finally to all- I listened to a video today about our soul plan being  predetermined before birth and how we will spend our days and how we will die. The guy who wrote the two books is Robert Schwartz.  Interviewed on AfterlifeTV, videos available on you tube here is the first link.  http:/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEOugRfLVus

I'm not one much for this subject but this guy has some real interesting ideas on what and how this all happens.  It could be all about the energy that science is trying to reveal so It has some value for me.  Maybe it will for some of you. 

Comment by George H on April 11, 2015 at 8:07pm

John I thought it was interesting because I don't seem to have anything going on any stages it all seems to come at once or whenever it wants to

Comment by George H on April 11, 2015 at 7:05pm

some of this article makes a lot of sense http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4414077

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