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Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 29, 2015 at 1:50pm

Karen, thanks for your kind words. Your wound is still so fresh, I remember still being a basket case at the three-month mark.  At least we all understand each other's pain....that which family and friends do not.  We had 27 years of Happily Ever After...which I refuse to let end just because of Till death do Us part.  Sometimes I can feel him with me, watching over me, and still taking care of me.  But it's still an empty, empty place.  I haven't removed my wedding band yet.  The days go by so slow....but all of a sudden, it's been a year. 

****big hugs****

Comment by Karen T. on January 29, 2015 at 1:29pm

Lynn,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my husband just in October and each month alone is tortue I can't imagine the 1 year mark (I can't even imagine making it to the 1 year mark let alone being there). I am so sorry for you. Know that we share your pain and try to think about happy times with him (I know that's hard but if you can even think of one for a split second you may smile in remembrance). We are here for you.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 29, 2015 at 12:55pm

Today is the day.  One year ago today I lost my beloved. I'm alone and feeling empty and numb almost as if it had happened yesterday.  I don't know if this website will let me post a YouTube link to a lovely tribute video a dear friend of made for me...but I'm going to try.  A whole year.  Where did it go?  I've been crying all morning, and compulsively watching this video.  I miss you so much Baby!!!!!

 

http://youtu.be/8vGQ6SqrliI

Comment by Karen T. on January 29, 2015 at 12:33pm

My feelings in a nut shell- life sucks. I hate going through this life without my love who was truly made for me and I for him. Married almost 12 years, together almost 14 and my entire adult life (we started dating when I was 18 and he was my second boyfriend- I met him two days after my first boyfriend dumped me after only 2 months). Of course like every couple we had our ups and downs but in the end we really felt perfect for each other wihtout a doubt. Now I don't have him, he was my safe place to fall- whenever something was wrong I would simply get wrapped up in his arms and everything else was blocked out. The only thing that is keeping me going (even though going is more like a zombie walking the earth) is our 9 year old son. I know I have to be strong for him and take extra care to make sure he is doing ok (like I got so much anxiety built up in me because of this I had to go to the ER and it completely freaked him out so I am very careful not to let him see me take medicine because I don't want him to fear that something is going to happen to mommy too- he's already asked that question what would happen to him if something happened to me.) I have to have a private place and time for grieving so he doesn't see excesssive crying just a little so he knows that it is ok to mourn and miss his father. I know he is taking it so hard and I can tell that he is trying to hide it too and I am desperately trying to help him through this as well as help myself. Sorry for rambling- this is my only outllet for expressing myself about this loss. Thanks for listening, and my prayers go out to everyone here as well for dealing with their own losses.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 24, 2015 at 12:25pm

Amen, Zell, AMEN. I am not "other people" either.  Weeks and months zip by at light-speed, but days just drag on soooooo slowly.  Nothing about this nightmare is as "simple" as those who have not experienced it might think.  Everyone grieves at their own rate, in their own time, in their unique ways.  I might get a tattoo on Thursday.  One pain to mask the other?  A tattoo he and I had already discussed. 

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 24, 2015 at 10:47am

I'm beginning to feel like I'm taking my "baby steps" backwards.  In only 5 days...next Thursday...will be the one-year mark.  This past year has gone so fast.....but also it seems like only yesterday.  My mind just keeps playing that awful day over and over and over, like a bad movie on a continuous loop. I can't get his leaving out of my head. It's hard to remember the good times without the bad times creeping in. I'm almost back to square one.  I just wander around this empty house, literally "pacing the cage", I don't know what to do with myself, I can't even keep up with everyday chores.  I found a perfect church, I go to  my widows meetings faithfully, I've made a few friends with my neighbors, but at the end of the day I'm still so alone.  My tears are on a hair-trigger....it doesn't take much to make me cry.  And I do cry....and the pain comes back, that all-enveloping pain that washes over my entire body.  I still can't....or don't want to...believe he's gone.  He was too good to be gone so soon.  He was too young to die at 57.  We had so many things left to do.  AND there was a very good reason why HE took care of all our financial details and now I'm a babe in the woods when it comes to money and I've made lots of mistakes. My head tells me he's gone forever.....my heart just WANTS HIM BACK.  I'm dreading January 29th.  Just five more days.  What a terrible "anniversary", certainly nothing worth celebrating. I feel so lost all over again. 

 

Seeing those "Tamiflu" commercials on TV only makes me feel worse. He DIED of the ****ing flu.  Now Valentines Day is coming up....how could I have made it through a whole year. and how do I get through another year....and another....and another after that...without him?  Talking to my bereavement counselor helps....but she can't be with me 24/7.  I feel so lost.

Comment by dream moon JO B on January 22, 2015 at 3:50pm

im so sorry for yore loss karren im sorry 2 evry on hear its had a loss

numbb u cud be be so numb on of a lot i no iv bean numb on/off sisne my dad died in 2012 thn loss on top in 2012 thn loss in 2013 thn 2014 a frind told me i cud end up lk this coz she wz woried i wud 

sorry if im sayng wong thngs so sorry i am for evry 1 its so sad we in a loss 

Comment by Karen T. on January 22, 2015 at 1:10pm

I am so numb right now. This whole week seems to be not right. I feel like it is a different day, I am sitting here just feeling like time has slowed to a stop and my stomach is all in knots and I even feel kind of tingly I feel so numb. My husband's birthday is this Sunday. It is the first since I lost him just in October. I thought I was making progress getting through the holidays ok but this I feel almost like the first week. I hate this.

Comment by Karen T. on January 16, 2015 at 8:46am

Zombie- I too lost my love this past October so I feel we are walking in the same timeline together. This is a great place to get support especially when you are like me and you really don't like talking to people face to face (the only exception being the one no longer there). Every morning I as I put on my makeup to go to work I do think to myself that this really is just a mask and noone knows the depths of pain and misery under it. I know time doesn't heal- but hopefully, for both of us, as more time comes we are able to cope better and a lessening will come so we are able to start going through lives living again even though it will never be the same.

Comment by Shawna T on January 15, 2015 at 9:10pm

@ lynn. I know what you mean. My anniversary was today...it has been 3 months since I lost him and I still feel like I cannot breathe sometimes. We did everything together...we loved each other. We made a good life together. You do not just forget that. Sometimes I feel thay dream state again, like it was just a dream. Then I wake up and have to start another day without him. I pray for strength and do it...I do not know how. Some times it is one breath at a time OR one thought at a time. Some times I have to remind myself to breathe and sometimes I do not. It is day by day or hour by hour or minute by minute on bad days...but I have made it this far and I HAVE to believe he would want me to continue.

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