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Comment by Karen T. on February 8, 2015 at 4:04pm

Lynn-

That's it- life sucks. I feel like I'm starting to make prgress and there it is-another blow to my check. It turns out that my husband had an enlarged heart (which you could never tell this thee way he was always working) and it tends to run in his father's side. Now I have to take my son to get a test (it is a simple echo) but I have to find someone to take his medicaid.  I just lost my husband- I don't thnk there will be any way to survive if he gets a negative result.

Anyway- I have work to do to find someone to do this test and meanwhile keep my sanity. Thanks again for being there for me, I appreciate it. I know I'll be in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you and please say an extra special prayer  for my son. Thank you. You are definately a good freind. :)

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 7, 2015 at 7:37am

You can....and should....speak to your husband, too.  I do all the time. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm mad, sometimes it's like regular talk like when he was alive.  Their spirits remain. Heaven is reachable for you, too.  Your family sounds like it was/is full of love.  Love doesn't die.  You are doing fine, and of course it's okay for you to date, but only YOU can decide when the time is right.  Others will have a timetable for how long you should take to "get over it" and "get on with life."  Ignore those comments.  They come out of love and concern for you, but unless they have been through this type of nightmare themselves they really have no idea. They want to be helpful, but it just doesn't come out that way.  Your relationship with your husband doesn't have to end....it just becomes different. I believe that those who have passed watch over us survivors, to make sure we're okay, to offer whatever protection they can. Sometimes I can feel my husband still here with me. It's hard to explain, but when you experience it, you know it.

I still feel conflicted, too. I had a bad day yesterday....feeling lonely, crying out to my husband, reliving the feelings of anger and disbelief.  I reached out to a friend, she came over and took me shopping at Michaels, then hung out with me a while. I finally felt a little better. This is an awful journey, and the books call it "grief work" that we have to process to get through it. And WORK it is.  After a year I can finally see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but that tunnel still seems awfully long. It makes me feel better when I can communicate with others in the same position, whether in person in groups or here online.  You are doing okay. 

Wow....we're up early on a Saturday morning, huh?  Talk to your husband, hug your son, I hope you have a good day. 

*tink*

Comment by Karen T. on February 7, 2015 at 7:03am

Tink-

Thanks for your reassurance. It's strange, I don't feel like I want a relationship but everytime I see a good looking guy my body just starts going crazy. Even a month after my husband passed my mother in law made a comment basically saying it's ok for me to date and they even want me to they just don't want to loose my and my sons connection which i reassured them that would never happen. I am just so conflicted and I miss my husband greatly. I learned last night that my son talks to his dad and has full conversations. That makes me feel better that he has found his outlet. It may worry some but makes me happy- my son knows he can still speak with my husband because he's in Heaven so he's reachable. I love my son.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 6, 2015 at 9:40am

Karen, From everything I have learned, you are completely normal in your grief. That intimacy and touch is something else you have lost, and it is natural for you to grieve for that part of your life, too.  In terms of bereavement, 4 months is not very long at all...althought it might seem like an eternity all ready.  Don't be ashamed of your feelings.  But be careful about starting any kind of new relationships "on the rebound"...they generally don't work out at all.  There is another book I can whole-heartedly recommend...it's called "Widow To Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S.  It is so well-written that I'll bet I've purchased at least 8 copies for the women in my widow's group.  I've read it over and over.  There are specific chapters for young widows, handling children, dating, and lots of other important topics.  You might find it at your library or you can purchase an inexpensive used copy on Amazon. (That what I did for the gals in my group.)  It is eye-opening and comforting.  It's also normal for your son to not want to talk about his dad.  Here in my area there is a bereavement group specifically for kids.  They need outlets for their grief, too, and the family environment may make them feel more vulnerable and more apt to "keep it all in" and not express their feelings.  Let him know that his feelings are all okay....even the bad ones, even the mad ones.  He'll need an outlet for his anger.  The book I mentioned has some very good advice, for you and your son.  The balloon tradition you mentioned is a lovely way to pay tribute.  Don't try to rush his or your grieving process. 

I seem to be at the other end of your intimacy comment....I have no desire whatsoever to be with another man, I have no physical "urges"...at least not yet. And I've been on this journey over a year now.  Everybody grieves differently.  Take good care of yourself...even if it means "taking care of yourself".  No shame.  No judgements.  Sounds like you need some release. 

Hope you have a better day today.  **hugs**

Comment by Karen T. on February 6, 2015 at 8:13am

Tink-

Yeah, my husbands birthday was the other week and we started a new tradition of getting a birthday card, writing our birthday wishes on it for him and attaching it to some heliem balloons and releasing them so they will go up to heaven for daddy to have. But he doesn't really like to talk about his dad, at least to me, to much so I have to walk a fine line.

On another subject- I need to ask you something. It is almost 4 months since we lost him. My head and my heart are still with him to the point sometimes I feel like a basket case. However, my body seems to have a mind of it's own and lusts (for a better word) for intimacy and touch. Is that normal or am I really completely losing it?

Thanks for everything. :)

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 5, 2015 at 5:43pm

Karen, you're doing well.  Keeping it together for your son must be very hard. Do you think he might enjoy making a tribute to his dad? Gather up as many photos you can find, get some scrapbooking supplies and maybe some poster board and let him create a poster.  That way, he's working with the memories and happy moments. Help him, and tell him the funny stories behind the photos, and he'll have a lasting memento to cherish always.  Try to make new traditions just for the two of you.  I'll remember you in my prayers.

Comment by Karen T. on February 5, 2015 at 5:06pm

Tink,

That sounds like such a great "adventure" that you are oing to go on. I wish I could find something inexpensive and fun that I could share with my son so we can start creating some of our own adventures and more happy memories over time. As bad as I feel (which is really low today) he is my reason for living and doing everything for. I know it has to be so hard on him also, and I so want to I don;t know about replace the memories of that incident (I don't know if that's possible, if it is I have some pieces to forget as well) but to put next to and hopefully make them stranger memories than the bad. I just want to see him laugh and smile again, which has been less than before. Oh well, we'll see how life works out. I am having a really bad migraine and am calling it an early night. You have a good one and I'll talk to you later. Thanks again for your support- I feel that as of right now you are the only one that I can talk to about everything (so if I monopolize you I apologize). Thank you again, have a good night.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 5, 2015 at 9:41am

Hi Karen, No, not too early for me....I'm an early riser.  I've been going to Disneyland (the Original) for nearly 60 years....yes, I was there the first year they opened (1955) as a baby in a stroller. I know every inch of that place, every bit of it's history, and I never, ever get tired of going there. It's home for me. Alan understood how much the Park meant to me, and always made sure to take me there as often as possible.  I had a grief burst yesterday, cried for about 2 hours.  Today I am going to the Compassion Knitting Circle today....a group of widows who knit and crochet items for hospice patients.  It's at the bereavement center. I always feel better after I've been there. Doing something good for others is a good way to feel better about myself.  Since I've been widowed I've made several new friends, from all walks of life.  One gal is also a "Disnoid" like me, and we are planning a drive to Disneyland last week of Feb.  I've got an annual pass, and she just happens to have a nephew who lives in Anaheim.  Sharing the cost of gas....it should be a magical, thrifty visit.  I will also be there on July 17, which will be their 60th Birthday, and I'm going "whole hog" the way Alan would want me to.  Alan wouldn't let me miss it, so I've already made reservations and put the costs in my budget.  Alan took me to WDW twice in the 90's, but my heart belongs in Anaheim.  His passion was Golf, and now I'm living on a golf course (13th Tee Box is just outside my backdoor).  He loved golf, and got to play for two years at this course. He even had a hole-in-one on the 17th in 2013.  I don't play golf. But I made him a stepping stone from one of those kits at Michaels that says "All The GOLF You Want", and he always bragged about it to his buddies, that his wife granted him all the golf he wanted and it was "etched in stone!" I knew what was special to him....he knew what was special to me. We were fabulous co-enablers of our passions.  I miss that part of our love so much. I miss every aspect of our love.....and I feel some tears starting to well up now, so I'll sign off and I'll check up on y'all later this afternoon, when I get home from my group.  Stay strong, everyone....as much strength you can muster.

*tink*

Comment by Karen T. on February 5, 2015 at 8:13am

Tink,

Thanks for all of your understanding. Today I am having one of those awful days. I'm about 2hrs from Disney but have been there so many times I don't even need a map anymore (well I might now they have some new additions). I know this is pretty early for you, but I hope today finds you in good spirits and good surprises.

Talk to you soon.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 4, 2015 at 6:05pm

Karen, I love being called *tink*.  Our alter-egos were Tinker Bell and Captain Hook.  There is a memorial tattoo forum here, check out the memorial tattoo I had done, I posted a photo. It has his initials in his own handwriting.  I also understand about stress and extreme high anxiety. I'm on some meds myself. There is no shame in seeking professional help.  This reminds me of something I heard just yesterday....STRESSED, backwards, is DESSERTS.  I say we all light a candle for our loved ones and have some cake.  And a glass of wine, if you are so inclined ;-)  So you are in Florida....are you close to Disney World?  I'm a Disneyland girl.  We might be 3000 miles apart, but our hearts are right next to each other.  You have a good night, too.

 

JO B, you are right. You are NOT alone here. Everyone I have met here on this website has been supportive and compassionate.  I'm so glad this website exists.

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