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Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on June 4, 2011 at 4:03pm

I just miss my brother...I don't want my new reality, I want my old life back

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 31, 2011 at 3:43pm

Dear Donna -

Hang in there.  It's hard - sometimes I just want to lay down and die - but with time, it really does get easier.  Some people have told me it doesn't; and I'll never get use to not having my husband around, but it does get easier.  I have more good days than bad now.  I just put off decisions if they are too hard for me to make; I tell myself I'll know when the time is right and I'll know then.  Just take care of yourself and let the feelings out when they do come. 

Good luck

 

Comment by Donna Schlatter on May 31, 2011 at 10:51am

Cynthia, thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words.  I do beat myself up a lot over things I think I "should" have done for my mom, etc.  I am so sorry to read about the passing of your husband.  My mom originally had lymphoma about 6 years ago and the doctors removed her spleen, believing it was where the cancer originated.  They were confident they got it all and after 3 rounds of chemo and 4.5 years later they told her she was in remission from it.  We were so overwhelmed with joy - she was getting a second chance!  Unfortunately, a week after this good news she found out that she now had a rare form of cancer called MDS, which is in the blood in the marrow.  She found that out just this past October.  Because of her age and progression of this cancer alread, she was eligible to participate in a study at the hospital for a new type of chemo.  She tried it once but then in January developed a very high fever while shopping with my father.  He rushed her to the hospital and we were told she had an infection of some sort.  They did all kinds of cat scans and MRIs and other things and said they found a small "pocket" of fluid near her sinuses.  So we think it's probably a sinus infection and as I'm sure you know, people with cancer just cannot fight off infection like a healthy person can.  After being on all kinds of antibiotics, they release her from the hospital but things were going downhill.  She was slurring her words, staring into space, forgetting things, etc.  Her fever kept spiking and she was back and forth to the hospital and all they kept saying was that she has an "infection" but they couldn't really pinpoint it.  I went to see her in March for a week (I live in Indy, my parents are in NY) and her "infection" was gone (so they said) and ordered her back on chemo.  I took her all week and she was extremely tired to the point where she didn't want to leave the house.  This just kept going on and on and on and unfortunately, what I beat myself up about is the fact that the beginning of the end actually started in January when the doctors thought she had the infection.  It was actually the MDS turning into acute leukemia, VERY quickly.  My father was still taking her back and forth to the doctor for bloodwork and transfusions (platelets and red blood) at least 3 - 4x a week.  We were still thinking it's an infection and when they finally get it cleared up she will be able to resume normal chemo and we will have her around for a bit longer.  Well one Friday my dad calls and says your mom took a turn for the worse, I need you to come. I get to NY that day and when I got in the hospital room, I just knew it.  To see your parent (or your husband) in that state of semi-consciousness when they were once so vibrant and beautiful is heart-wrenching.  She would just stare at the walls and flail her arms for no reason.  This was all the process.  She was on oxygen and when I told her how much I loved her and how amazing she was, she blew me 3 kisses through her oxygen mask.  That was the last real communication she had with anyone.  By Tuesday morning she was gone.  I don't know how to feel.  She KNEW she was dying way back in January because when I think back, she was already distancing herself from everyone and making her plans.  I wish I would haven been in tune with that whole process because I just would have understood more.  I'm sorry for this long opus message but it's so nice to be able to just put it all into words and have people read it and know exactly how I am feeling.  Thanks for listening.  My heart goes out to you and your family for your loss.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 30, 2011 at 12:17pm

Donna, when you say you don't know how to feel or start the process, don't worry about it.  It will start when it's ready - and when you're ready.  At first there is this numbness.  When my husband died from rectal cancer - we were told about the spread to his liver and bone marrow on Tuesday and he died on Friday after that, in November 2010 - at first, and also maybe because I knew he was dying - I was so busy with arrangements and paperwork and figuring out our insurance and bills, and all that nasty stuff, that I didn't really have time to "grieve."  But I really think I started grieving before he actually died.  Crying was such a huge release - and it still is.  I still have my bad days, and it's over 6 months.  But at first I was weepy when he was in the hospital, then he came home and I was angry all the time, and I didn't know why,and I was alway apologizing to him for being so irritable.  My brother is a doctor and he said I was that way because I knew what was coming, even before the oncologist told us; I think he was right - I knew.  When we got the prognosis, he came home with me and we had hospice - for all of 2 and 1/2 days.  Being able to hold him as he died, and cry and hold him after he died I think was helpful for me.  But this isn't helping you!  All I wanted to say was, the "process" will start itself.  Just "be" for now.  Don't sweat it.  I find tears starting at the most unusual times - or maybe not so unusual.  I was having acupuncture, and I started crying.  I'm brushing my teeth and I start crying.  Or I'm just driving and there's nothing in particular happening, but I start crying.  But my crying isn't like it was at first - it doesn't incapacitate me like it did.  Writing this, I'm starting to feel the tears behind my eyes.  Be good to yourself; be kind to yourself; don't admonish yourself or apologize to anyone - if they don't understand, you don't need them now.  Surround yourself with people who love you and can give you the support and understanding you need.  If it helps, find a support group for people who lost someone to cancer.  I don't know where you live, but if you have a Wellness Community or a Hospice nearby, they usually have free support groups.  If you can't find one, maybe you can start one!

Comment by Donna Schlatter on May 26, 2011 at 7:45pm

Reading all these stories brings tears to my eyes.....I, too, am so angry at cancer.  My mother's story is a long one so I will try and write about it tomorrow.  I do believe she held on and waited to see all the people that were important to her - and then she stopped fighting.  I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to start the process.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 16, 2011 at 11:48pm

I, too, know there is something after this life.  I witnessed my husband in his last hours focusing on the wall in front of him and reaching out towards something no one else could see, but he clearly saw something that he wanted to go to.  I had a long talk with a rabbi today, and since I was not raised in religious home, but one that was Jewish all the same (culturally and ethnically) the rabbi was a great help to me in understand the "reality" that we experience in the physical life - while our bodies are alive - and the spiritual - the reality our souls experience when the body dies.  I told him about my dog being really spooked one night, and I knew someone was here; I can't say it was my husband, but someone was here and the dog has never acted that way, before or since.  It's too long to go into here, but he sensed someone.  After my husband died, I told a friend who is "sensitive" to souls and other psychic things most people are skeptical about, that I didn't "feel" my husband around me.  She said he was transitioning, and giving me space and to give it time.  Sure enough, one night I work up smelling the scent of incense in our bedroom that was so strong that I had to get up and light a stick of it; one night I went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed I could have sworn he had been lying there next to me; the feeling was so strong that I know I wasn't just dreaming it, and I had already bought a new bed since he died; I never did sleep  in our old bed that we shared after he died; I couldn't.  And somedays, Jeanne, the tears just start for me, too, and there's not necessarily a trigger.  Last week I was brushing my teeth and suddenly I was just crying.  I spent the next several hours crying.  It happens.  I have more good days now than bad, but it's a process as we all know.  I just wanted to share that I, too, have had experiences that have made me believe something I wasn't sure about before.  And after my husband died, his face became so relaxed; so unlined; his eyes stayed open, and when i tried to close them, they wouldn't stay closed.  One of my daughters looked at him and said, "yeah, that's a 'dad look' and my other daughter agreed.  He just looked so calm and finally at peace and out of pain.  I believe he made the move to the other "reality" as the rabbi called it, and was with his mother and at peace.  His father joined them two weeks later.  He died alone, in his sleep, of a heart attack.  But before he went to bed, he told his caregiver, "I'm going to be leaving, and i won't be back, but it's okay because I'm going to be with my son."  And he went to sleep and didn't wake up again.  He was 96, and sharp as a tack, but his body was failing.  So they are all together now, and I like to believe that my husband does see me and watches over me, and every now and then, he pays me a visit, even if I can't see him; I can still feel him.  

Bless you all.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on May 16, 2011 at 8:32pm

I agree with you Mary about the afterlife. I too have had several experiences with my brother, father, mother and best friend. My husband is gone almost 5 months and we had a pact that I will know when he contacts me with that sign. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it will. When I first had the connection with my brother who died at 45 I was on the John Edward show. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever known. I had no doubt about life after death and that they are waiting for us. They are not in pain anymore and it is only us that suffer. I have my bad days too. Today I saw an older couple walking holding hands and just started crying knowing that Harry and I will never do that again. I am happy for others and sad for all of us that are going through this. I am never mad at him for leaving, just sad that he had to go so soon when we had so many plans left to do. I am on vacation in Fl right now and went for a drive with my sister in Palm Beach tonight. It is the kind of thing Harry and I loved to do and suddenly I just had tears in my eyes because he was not sitting next to me enjoying the view. I function ok, and laugh and join in, but nothing will ever be the same until we are together again. I will go on, but I am not afraid to go knowing what is waiting for me.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on May 16, 2011 at 6:15pm

Hi Arielle, your pain is so fresh for me. I know everything you feel. I was also blessed with a fantastic brother who loved life. He ate right, took care of himself because he would say that he planned on living a long time.Of all the people in the world, why Richie. I'm going on 14 months and I am still full of anger. Maybe, if you would like, start telling me about your brother and your life before everything changed. My husband will do that for me, just start telling a story about Richie. I find that it helps to keep Richie in my heart. A smile and giggle might even come out....than I cry because it is all gone now. I can't tell you it will get better, I'm still waiting for that. Do you keep in touch with your sister in law and kids? I'm courious how she is handling it all and how about your parents. Anyway, i'm not the best at keeping in touch, but when I read what you have to say, I really identify with you. No pressure, whenever you feel like it send me a message and let me know who your brother was. And i'll write back and tell you about my brother. Baby steps might get us there.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on May 16, 2011 at 11:43am

I agree Cynthia..You have to let it out. You can't bury it inside. And it's ok to be mad and be angry. It's OK!!

I just want you to know that death is not the end. There is life after this life. I have experienced a divine knowing after the death of my brother in 2000. I know it is hard for many to believe unless it happens to them. When I learned of this truth, I wanted to share it with everyone suffering through this agony of death.

I lost my mother, father and brother (all to different cancers). They want me to share my message of hope and faith.

Cynthia--take care and thanks for sharing your thoughts. Much love to you!

Mary

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 16, 2011 at 11:37am

Dear Natalie:

I wanted to tell you that if you have questions, and don't know what to expect, please, if you haven't already, talk to your mom's doctor.  If you have a Wellness Community nearby, or you can find them online, too, they usually have support groups for family members as well as patients, and you an get a lot of answers there.  The online one is actually pretty good; they have a board just for colon cancer and there are a lot of people who are family members who post.  Good luck with that.  I wish comfort for your mom, and for you. 

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