Marti, we all grieve a little different, but I can relate to some of the things you said.  I know how you feel, but I want you to know that little by little it will ease up.  It doesn't go away, but it won't be there constantly.  In the beginning (91/2 months ago) I thought I would not survive myself and I really didn't want to, but now when I don't have such an awful day I am able to thank God for giving me a break.  My son had a little girl 21 months old when he died and we are so grateful to have her, but it also breaks our hearts to know that she will not have her daddy.  Feel your pain, cry, scream, pray.  You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling.  Blessings, Ann