I think I have known for awhile that my grief is not supposed to be my identity. I think I know that my identity should be defined by the human I have become, despite my loss and my grief. However, trying to figure out who I really am seems to be both a struggle, and it's scary. I feel like I can only identify some of the things that I am and am not. I try to not highlight the things I don't really like about me. I try to focus on the positive things I know I am. But, I spend too much time with self-doubt, self-judgment, lack of belief in myself, and doubting the positive things others say about me. My grief has been a shroud on my shoulders all my life, and I feel like I have known that already for years. I only now realize on a deeper level how it has affected every aspect of my life. I have described myself as having a great gaping hole in my soul all my life. This feeling of grief has run like a polluted current under everything I have ever done, said, every relationship I have ever had, even every thought in my head.
Figuring out who I am is really more tied to how I become a living legacy to the memory of my mother. I am not sure I can really grieve her loss when I never knew her in the first place. Do I instead grieve the loss of our relationship? Do I grieve what could have been, but never was? Do I focus on all the collateral loss that resulted from her death?
You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!
Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community