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Comment by Joe von Anjou on July 23, 2020 at 2:38pm

My heart goes out to you, Patty.

My brother was killed in a car accident a quarter of a century ago. My parents were also in that accident, so I was the first to try to identify what was left of my brother. I have been seeing that in my sleep ever since. Over the years, I got used to it.

My father died five years after my brother died.

My brother and father died quickly.

My mother died this April after a five year battle with vascular dementia. It was a horrible five years. Now, on top of seeing what was left of my brother, I see the look of horror in my mother's eyes as she sensed there was something wrong but could not name it.

I have fear and anxiety too. The worst is when I am in between deep sleep and waking up. That is when I realise that she is gone, that my whole family is gone. It feels like a kick in the stomach.

Last Friday was my mother's funeral. Everyone was crying...except for me. I was too jittery, too on edge, looking over my shoulder and in every direction every other minute. My hands were shaking.

I try to exercise as much as I can, within my limits. Exercise releases endorphins, which make one feel better. For me, that works somewhat. I also tell my mother all the time that I will always love her, as long as my memory is intact. That, like exercise, helps some.

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