I am so sorry for your loss, Pamela. I too lost my Nancy last April 29th. She died in my arms. Her heart just stopped beating.  As I approach the first year without her, I realize how much I was defined by her. Now that she's gone,I truly feel as though I am half a person. I pray that you will find some comfort in the wonderful memories those 48 years brought to you. Everyone here knows how you are feeling and are always ready to help when asked. In this earliest stage of your grief, take care of yourself, eat when you can and distract yourself with activities or just get out of the house. But cry when you need to and let the grief run it's course. You'll always have the love of that special person you lost but it will still hurt. Eventually, I am told, it will ease and you will integrate the ups and downs of that emotional roller coaster into your daily life. After nearly a year, I do have moments of peace and calm and I take those moments to remember the best times I had with my dear soulmate. God Bless you and may you experience "the peace that passeth all understanding" as you grieve your deep loss.