So, my dad passed on April 23rd...I`m getting married August 4th. We have a cottage on an Island ( which my dad`s father built in the 50s) and this place was my dad`s favorite place ever. He lived to go up there on summer weekends...he would even stay weeks up there. This place is so special and reminds me of my dad. One of the main reasons why I am getting married up there is because of my dad. Now my dad is gone...and I have to continue the wedding ( less than 3 months away)...It doesnt feel right. I remember the week before he passed I showed him my wedding dress. I didnt try it on, but I pulled it out of the closet...I saw a tear in his eye and I joked with him...never acknowledging the fact he wouldnt be around for it.

I`m having a reeeeally hard time dealing with the fact my daddy wont be there on my big day. I will be at work, and then all of a sudden i`ll be at the fax machine and have to excuse myself. The drives home are the worst because my commute is about 35-40min and all I think about is him. I think about him all the time and its really hard for me to accept reality. Its like some moments of the day I dont think about it bc I`m swamped with work...but then all of a sudden it will hit me....that I can never talk to him again...I can never call him..

My dad was an avid golfer. Every Sunday we would go over and he would have either the Masters or the PGA tour or some tournament on...I would complain bc I thought it was so boring..but I would GIVE ANYTHING to have that back again. I cant even watch it on TV anymore because it hurts so much.

A couple of weeks before he passed unexpectedly, I started golfing. I did it because I thought I would enjoy it and I started because I wanted to be able to keep up and golf with my dad...The weekend before he passed I played 9 holes of golf. I did surprisingly well and I couldn't wait to go over my parents to tell him, which I was able to do. I remember thinking I couldn't wait to actually golf with my dad. He was so good at it and always talked about his leagues and whatnot.....now its too late. I`ll never be able to golf with my daddy and it kills me...why didn't I start sooner...why didn't I show more care in his interest...

I get so angry sometimes...I start to think of things like..."I could have done this differently"....or "I could have showed him more love"...or "why didn't I say this...do this...I wish I had 5 minutes with him....5 minutes to tell him how much I love him... how much I wanted to be like him....how great of a dad he was...but I dont.. and I cant.

I always thought people died because it was to end their suffering ( sick babies...the elderly....children that would have grown up in a bad home....) but my dad was young...he`s gone and never coming back...My dad wasn't suffering...he had a pretty good life. He loved us...what is the purpose for having him leave us so soon?? Does anyone else feel this way??

I`m so confused and have so many questions that are unanswered. I wish I could talk to him again just to know he is OK..................................