That's all I feel like I have right now.  Weariness.  I am bone-tired.  Tired of stapling a cheerful smile to my face and living such a ridiculous lie.  It's been a really rotten year, with several different kinds of losses - and then my faith community suddenly lost a beloved member last week.  

I feel bad that I feel bad.  I feel bad that this loss seems even more real to me than the loss of my grandmother late last summer.  I wasn't able to travel to see her as often as I wished and it's almost like it isn't real to me... that I just haven't been able to go and visit her for a long time.  This loss at church was personal and has hit me very hard.  And like I said, I feel bad because this feels even more real and painful than losing Grandmother.

I think this dam has started to have some major structural faults and I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid that if I really let go and cry, that I'll never be able to stop.  

Becky