So these past couple weeks have been a nightmare for me. I haven't been sleeping right at all. And I've been crying pretty much every night. And low and behold, the other day at church, I lost it! Completely lost it. Someone made reference to the funeral after church and I couldn't stop crying the rest of the day. I broke down in front of someone at church. Which is something I just don't do. That was basically the first time I've really cried in front of anyone since my pap's death. It felt good to cry though. It was almost like a relief to finally cry. To finally have someone see how much I'm struggling with this. I'm not seeking attention, but I think this could be what I need. At first I felt embarrassed that I cried in front of someone, but now I know that's it a normal thing. And sometimes these things just happen as much as we don't want them to.

Even though I said I was at church, that doesn't mean God's a big part of my life, as sad as it is to say that. For the past year and a half I'd say, I basically told God to get lost. And now that I'm trying to get my life back together, I don't know how to let God back in. I honestly have no idea. I'm not the type that can just say "Ok. I believe. And that's that." So at this point, I'm not sure how to go about this. I'm reading books and I've started talking to a few people from church, so that's a big step in what I hope to be the right direction. We'll just have to see how things go from here I guess.

The biggest thing that's bothering me right now though: I lost my great grandpap, who I was pretty close to, and my pap, who I was very very close to, within a month of each other. I feel guilty that I don't miss my great grandpap. Of course I miss him, but I miss my pap more. None of us had time to grieve for my great grandpa. Every year for Memorial Day, the veterans shoot the guns and play the taps near my house. The loss of my great grandpap, who was a veteran, made this more emotional than it ever has been for me because hearing the taps brought back memories of his funeral.

Wow, don't know why I'm going into all these details! Guess I just needed to vent! Never did this before, but I do feel a little better now. Let's hope tomorrow will be a better day (: