Today I have no voice. I have been pretty sick these past days. I haven't had food in 7 days. My stomach won't hold anything, and they don't know what's wrong. A very sweet, and wonderful friend of mine passed away last week, and I just found out today. My heart is broken. My eyes are blinded with tears. Today my hope is gone. Today I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for just one glimpse of light. Dear God, I know you are here, but I can't feel you near me today. I'm so tired. I feel so broken. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm counting on it. This is the first day in a long time that I feel defeated. My get up and go, done got up and went. I have no voice today. I have no one I can go to that will listen, and even if I did have someone, I'm not sure I would say anything anyway. I believe they call this a big pity party. Everyone deserves one once in a while don't they? If today were my day to die, I think I would welcome it, but only today. Tomorrow I will pick myself up, brush off the crap, and get back to the work of living. I want my son's back if only for a moment. I want my family the way we used to be. My house doesn't feel like a home today. It's cold, and damp.  I want to scream, but I have no voice today. I can't even muster up a whimper. I'm angry, and I don't even know why. I generally don't wish away a day, but I do today. Please God hear my prayer. I'm tired of tests, and needles. I want Me back. I feel like some sort of freak. I know I'm loved, but today I can't feel it. Why is it on the days one really needs to feel loved they don't? I want to run, but from what, myself? I hate these kinds of days, but I guess these are the days that make the good ones better. I'd like to know how I can comfort others, but not me, not today? I hated being in the hospital, so I made them set me free. I know, I'm a big baby, and I'm acting like a child, so why can't I stop it? My father doesn't know who I am, but he know's my best friend. I feel like I've been replaced in my own family. This is truly the biggest pity party I have had in a while. It doesn't feel good at all, and the only one who can change it is me, but today I have no voice. Sure can type a lot of words for not having a voice eh? Ok I'm done. Pity party is officially over. I'm going to bed, and pray to God for forgiveness. I thought by writing I would feel better, but maybe there will be a delayed reaction. This day is almost over, and I so look forward to tomorrow. I guess you can tell I haven't slept in a while? Sleep deprivation has a hold on me. My PTSD is in high gear. I can tell just by reading my own words. I caught a glimpse of a person who had been burned, and I can't get that picture out of my mind. Did I do this to me? Why do they have to show that stuff on t.v. anyway. I didn't see my son after he died in that firey crash, but seeing that burned body on tv has caused much commotion in my soul, and in my heart. Better days ahead I hope.