Couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend of Chris' on a social networking site. It was wonderful at first, because he reminded me that she'd spent time in the UK. (She'd told me, but it was one of those memories which got pushed aside at the end.) However, later on, it became tricky. We discussed the final times we'd talked to her (for me it was January 23, 2007.) He mentioned that he was able to have a conversation with her two weeks before her death. After this things got uncomfortable. His words were 'I don't know, but I think Chris wanted to die. I have that feeling.'

For me, there was nothing worse to hear. I immediately cued up 'Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)' and began trying to assimilate this new information. For somebody who repeatedly said 'I won't accept defeat' to change her mind and want to die...I don't know. It doesn't seem possible. Although perhaps it is. I don't like the fact that it's caused a complete resurgence of the old discomfort.

What can I do to get around this?