I look at pictures and she is still as alive as she was at 9:30 pm Seprtember 26th. I know Nanette is gone, but when I see the photos and just going about normal day to day activities everything feels normal and I expect to see her when I get out of bed in the morning or when I sit outside on the patio I wait for her to come out and then the paralyzing grief hits that those things will never happen again.

My heart cannot accept it and I believe God is holding the reality back until I can.

I know this is part of life, but it is supposed to happen to other people, not my family.

Though I am devestated and have to force myself to push forward and live my faith in Jesus Christ is the only thing keeping me going and feeling able to function a little bit.

The initial shock was more than I could bear and I had a "melt down" as I'm sure anyone would. But I have this fear, feeling what ever you want to call it that there is more of that to come and as a stubborn male, I have an irrational logic that once I get all the grief and sadness out of me I can carry on with my life. I know that is stupid, but a guy can have his irrational dreams if he wishes.

I too count the days since Nanette has been gone and with each passing day the more I want to pull time back or stop it. Losing her has made me feel helpless and a bit angry because life does go on without her and I don't want it to. My life and world ended the day she died, (just writting that is so hard) and it feels like I have left her behind and want to wait for her to catch up so we can get back to normal.

And that is what is so sad and hard to accept and comprehend; she will never catch up and we will never be back to normal or anything near it.

When people suggest it is a new normal I want to give them a "new normal" face to deal with. This is not a new normal, this is a devestating loss that has changed the lifes of my daughter, son, grandchildren her sisters, mother and every other relative forever, and that is not normal. It is tragic.

It happens to millions of people every day, maybe not like this, but it happens and until it happens to you, you rarely think about it or even care.

Don't waste a single second loving every one in your life, the next second could be their last...or yours.