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Comment by Layla Richards on September 14, 2018 at 1:36pm

Hi there Pamela. Oh, how I can relate. I'm nearing the three-year anniversary myself. Just a few months shy of it. Our beloveds must have both died in late 2015. Yours being in September and mine being in December. Although I can say that nothing was worse than the first year (as the shock of it all is just so overwhelming), I am nowhere near okay, and all I do is wait for my own death day so this can all be over. It is only people like us that can understand just how horrible this is. I'm not okay. Never will be. And I'm sure that you feel the same. He wasn't my husband, buy my fiancé of five years and we lived together the whole time. So I imagine that it's not much different at all from an actual marriage. I am the one who found him dead. That horrible image will be forever burned in my memory. I am so sorry that you are going through this, too. I pray for death every day, and actually made a genuine suicide attempt about 10 months after he died. I swallowed 2 whole bottles of pills. One was a bottle of benzodiazepines, and another was a bottle of prescription sleeping pills. Honestly it should have worked, but instead I woke up the next morning covered in vomit and was hallucinating pretty bad. I managed to stumble into the bathroom and just laid by the toilet for hours, very angry at the fact that my attempt failed. I obviously would not advise anyone to try anything like that, I just thought I would share my story. I'm sure the thought of doing it yourself has crossed your mind many times since your husband died. It is weird, but I am so angry at God for not taking me with him. I don't understand why I was left behind to live a life completely devoid of any purpose or meaning. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment. Just living and eagerly anticipating when death will put a final end to this nightmare. Lots of love.