God has you in his arms....I have you in my heart <3

Last night was the first time I slept decent since you passed. I haven't been able to sleep because my brain replays the morning of your death over and over. Every detail of that morning remains tattooed on my brain. The smell, sound, taste, down to every detail of you and everyone in your room. I cant help but to think about how you felt during those last few hours. I wonder if you knew you were going to die...If you knew we had to make decisions about your care...life or death decisions....I cant help but to wonder if you knew I was there holding you hand and rubbing your face, playing with your hair and trying to remember every memory we ever made together. I was trying to give you some kind of comfort because I knew you were scared. I didn't want to leave your side that morning. As soon as I saw you, I knew you were in critical condition. I knew only God could bring you through the mess you ended up in. I'm sorry sis I wasn't there the entire time. I'm sorry I only got to hold your hand after you was put on a vent and couldn't talk. I pray that you knew I was there until your last breathe. I was there holding your hand and rubbing your pretty face. I hate that you had to go this way. I know it was a painful death. The last few words you said to me haunts me. You asked me if you were going to die? I told you no. Not to think like that but now a part of me wants to think maybe you sensed it. Another thing I remember is me telling you to stay strong and not give up, you looked at me with tears in your eyes and said you already have. We both started crying, I hugged you tight and told you that everything will be ok. The doctors in Pittsburgh, you doctors will take care of you. I remember watching the paramedics put you in the ambulance and that was the last time I saw you before you was in renal and liver failure. It was 4 days later that you passed. I still cant believe you aren't here. It doesn't feel real. I'm not sure that I want it to either. The pain in my heart is like no other pain I have ever felt. My heart is broken. I know I piece of me died when I lost you. I know I will never be the same no matter how much I want it to be...it wont bc the reason I am anything today is because of you Aleshia. 22 years aren't long enough...22 years!!! I have the rest of my life to live without you. You defined me....gave me a title and reason to be here!

So why did I title this blog sensory overload....its simple. Remembering a loved one is like sensory overload. All these memories rush into your brain in hopes to keep every memory of them alive. I try to remember every detail because I don't want to forget a memory, a scent, noise, touch, or scene. I want to remember all of you. It is much like sensory overload to keep a loved one near. The only place where you can be with them is in those moments you create in your mind. I can't sleep at night bc all of these tiny videos are playing in my mind to keep you with me. I love you Aleshia. I wish I could see you one last time. Until we meet again baby sister.  RIP sweet babygirl No more pain, hurt or tears sissy. No more.