I have lately been thinking about why I am here now. After 55 years of being married to a wonderful, caring, loving man, I am now alone. I drift through the days wondering why I am here and why I have to stay here to endure loneliness, sadness, and depression. What is the purpose of this? Why can't I just go? I seem to be taking up space and each day is like the day before. I have friends and family, but, sorry to say, they just do not fill the void of having my husband with me. He was the one who listened to me, loved me, touched me, and was my best friend. Now, all of that is gone, and every time I think of him, I ache so much that I fall to my knees with despair. My heart breaks and the tears come. I ask God to have mercy and let me drift off before I wake.
That poem about "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is true, but when the love is lost through death, it is so unbearable. I am glad I loved, but I never thought I could be in so much pain.
I am exhausted and hope I can find peace very soon.
Thanks all for listening.