it has been three years and four months since i lost my mom 9-6-2015 and my husband  9-14-2015 and the overwhelming grief is unbearable also my husbands birthday is on the 20th of this month i don't know how much longer i can hold on,also i have so much added stress from people telling me i have to move on don't they understand that i may look okay on the outside but i am shattered inside i have been numb for so long i feel like i'm in a horrific nightmare nothing makes any sense any more i am defeated the grief and sadness is just getting worse i miss my mom and my i miss my husband so much i woke up today was going to make plans for my husbands birthday then i realized what i was doing and just wanted to scream i just don't  think i can handle this anymore if it wasn't for the promise i made to my husband i would just be done even keeping that promise is getting harder I am so lost!!!!!! this pretending to be okay is wearing thin but I don't dare show any emotion around anyone I know because then I get that look that I hate I just don't know how to live with this permanent grief