Their are so many stages of grief, I have lost times the amount of times I have gone through them all, this time is different, I'm getting severe panic attacks. Throughout the loss of my father I was also going to a 4 yr relationship with an extremely abusive partner, it took every last bit of strength to leave. I had a full time job as a head chef and I was financially independent. In dec 2016 I lost my job, I was irresponsible and it cost me my job, I have been having a massive blow out, drinking nearly everyday, borrowing money that I know I cannot payback. Now I'm on the verge of losing my home and my friends. I feel completely lost without the guidance of my father. I'm losing my friends, my dignity and becoming a shell of myself. I have been trying to control a panic attack that is on the verge of happening for the last 6 hours. 6 hours of what can only be described as 'white noise screaming at me' intense migraines, regrets, guilt and shame. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm losing everything and I can't stop it. Am I grieving, is it self pity .. I'm not sure, I wish he was here, I wish I could talk to him .. I hope wherever he is, he cannot see how much of a fuck up I have become. I must have been someone terrible in my past life to deserve this one. I miss myself, I miss my parents. Alone in the dark with my awful thoughts.