I don't understand how some people can be so insensitive, like they were never taught to be considerate of the loss of life, to think about what they say or how it affects the person they're saying it to. Last week my 7 year old son's physical therapist asked me, "So is your summer getting back to normal?" I was stunned...uuuuh let's see here; my son DIED on June 20, 2011, he was 18! He's not ever coming home. He's never going to be a chef. He's never going to be a husband. He's never going to be a daddy. He's never going to to do anything again! I'm not one to be rude or hurt others feelings even when mine have been hurt, so I said "I really don't think anything will ever be normal again..." and then I tamped down my fury. Which I seem to be doing a lot of lately, just to keep the peace.

And it's not just random people who aren't privy to the personal side of my grief. I have a family member who treats Johrdan's death like a competitor's sport. She is so verbal about having lost many people in her life, while I've "only lost one", *and that's a direct quote*. She makes comments about how "no amount of crying will bring him back", and "you're not the only one who lost him, so what if you're the "mom"? It's not all about you, Stephanie. I feel the exact same grief you do, I'm hurting too." For effing REAL right now?? And I think to myself, with all of those losses could you try to show some empathy for my loss? For the fact that I have never experienced the death of anyone close to me, and when I did, it was my 18 year old son?? And she doesn't care if she hurts me, she will say, "Now I know that hurts you when I say that, but I think..." and so many heartless words, with no filter or care for my heart and pain. Then there are times when she hugs me and says things like you have to let it out, you can come to me...UH NO, I will NOT be coming to you. And it doesn't stop there, she's always got an opinion and has to pry for every detail. My son's death resulted in my very best friend *we're like sisters and all of our kids grew up together* of 16 years' son, my "nephew" being charged with manslaughter w/aggravated dui and motor vehicle homicide w/aggravated dui, he is also 18. And this family member just harps and pokes for information, and she's CONSTANTLY talking about it and what "needs" to happen and asking me about the investigative details that I am ordered not to share with anyone else. Which then makes her mad and she starts in about how as family the rest of them deserve that info too, she shouldn't be left in the dark; blah, blah, freakin blah. I have slowly cut ties with her, so as not to have to deal with a big show stopping blow out...but she will always be there in some way, she's my mother~in~law and Johrdan's step-grandma of 8 years. So I do have to learn to live around her insensitivity, it still doesn't change the hurt she has layered on in the short time since Johrdan died.

I don't really talk to many people anymore. If they're not in my immediate circle, I've just kind of let it fade away. I didn't use to be that way, my favorite things in life have always been my family and my friends. But it feels like the more time goes on the smaller that feeling gets. I spend my days taking care of my other kids and worrying about what will happen in the future, will I ever have to endure this again, will I be able to raise my other 3 younger kids without having irrational fears for their lives and altering their view of the world? I have one child older than Johrdan, his name is Nick, he has been to the ER twice for severe anxiety since Johrdan passed away and I don't want this for him. But it can't be undone.

I realize that I have to get myself some help so I can help them all thru this and not affect them in a negative way. But at the same time, I really feel like I deserve to suffer this agony and pain. For all the bad "mom" moments, the fact that Johrdan and I were angry at each other when he died, which has been the most mind numbing part for me since we RARELY had any kind of strife between us. And for him to die during a time when things were so strained between us has had me on my knees begging for the chance to repair things with him many a night. It will never happen, and I will have this guilt for the rest of my life. No breaks, no ease, no relief. It's all mine and I feel I should carry it with me always, because he died with it in his heart. And I know he did, my nephew told me that's why he drank that night, b/c he was mad at me. It was the first time he had done anything like that, he had never been a troublemaker, or a problem kid, he was ALWAYS the one to tell his friends not to do drugs and not to drink-how he died and what he did before he died was completely out of character for him. And being told he did it b/c he was mad at me, echos thru my soul on a daily basis. And I feel I deserve to experience that without any kind of balm to ease it.