~~~~ My entire life I have always wondered how it would be the day I would find you. Yes I grew up in a great environment... Thanks to you picking out my adopted parents for me. But there has always been an emptiness inside me. I wonder.. did you hold me that day you gave birth to me... before you gave up your rights?? Throughout the years ... did you think of me on my birthday...? Christimas? Any holiday? Did you even remember my birthday or my older sisters' who you gave up as well? Do I get my loud laugh from you? So many questions to be answered... and even though I know you were addicted to your herion... I always thought you would clean up your life to eventually be part of mine and my sisters lives when we became adults. I would have rather you had cleaned up your life and had a new family that you didnt tell bout us children you left behind instead you losing yourself in your addiction. Finding out that you had passed when I was 5 years old was heartbreaking. I have been searching for you and my sisters forever it seems. Wanting answers... needing to know you and them. I never expected that with finding my sisters I would be abruptly hit in the face with reality that you had been gone this whole time I have been searching for you. I never got the chance... Picking up your ashes has been...THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE 22 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH!!! To look down with you in this plastic box... and realize.. The last time you and I were together.. you were holding me at birth. How do I move on from this? I am so thankful to have my sisters in my life... I have wanted them since I knew of their existance. But you did not leave just me.. YOU LEFT .. MYSELF... PAMELA.. SUSAN.. and so many others who loved you unconditionally. Somewhere along the line you gave up... when you should have had strength and faith in restoring relationships with the children you gave away. How do I cope with not only you dying but this situation at hand?? I am lost... confused.. angry... hurt... tired... I do not know how to deal with this situation... I have been swallowed whole by depression and grief... LOST!!!... Please help me before I lose myself permanently in the chaos of what is my reality!