My mum died in July from ovary cancer.

She was diagonozed Stage 3 ovary cancer last year May.

She fought hard, and showed some good signs after her treatment last year. Late last year, my Dad confessed he had an affair and his gf was pregnant with a boy.

Mum collapsed afterwards.. Dad started to run from home- gf house. He looked after his gf during the last two months of pregnancy, during this time, my mum worsened. I tried to work things out, but was unable to talk my mum out of the sadness she was in, nor was I able to encourage her to fight her cancer... I personaily was in bad shape, and was unable to cope with the fact that my GREAT Dad was an asshole afterall..

She said to me and Dad, the day the boy arrives in this world will be day she dies.

She died 2 months after the boy was born. She was hospitalized for 2 months, 24 hour care...cancer had developed, was in her blood, and then everywhere..her brain was filled with big chunks of cancer, she was unable to talk in the last month of her life.

The only contact was through her left hand, where she had some control.. she would squeeze my hand whenever i went to her, the doctor said, she lost most of her eyesight, so she recognized people through voices.

I massaged her nearly 2 hours every time i went. i would stay up at night and talk to her, it was unbearable.

Dad went to the hospital often as well, we did not talk much. I tried to avoid him as much as possible.

On the 16th, i found mum in critical condition. I phoned Dad immediatily. He didnt realize how severe things were and said it was normal for her to have "bad times". My husband turned up as soon as i called him. I was alone with mum for 3 hours before anyone came to me. I had a very bad feeling..

I went to dinner with mu husband. at 9 o'clock, the caretaker and a friends of my mum's called me. Mum had really high blood pressure..

She died the next day.

Its been a few months since my mums death. I finally had the caurage to see the gf and the boy.

We had dinner with aunts and uncles last night at my parents house.

the gf was younger than me.

the boy is actually my "brother"..

everthing went well. i smiled and chatted, asked the gf about the baby boy etc.

Afterwards, when i went home. I suddenly felt "betrail"...tears flooded me.

I fully understand the necessity of Dad finding another person. Yet, no matter how hard i try, the grief within me is still there...I feel guilty of not being a stronger daughter and supporting my mum when she needed me. I feel sad about life and how things turned out.I feel its even harder for me to judge from right and wrong.

My Dad is an asshole, yet i want him to be happy.

I am learning to forgive and forget. Its really a tough lesson!