Hello, all. My mother died on January 2, 2011. I was in the hospital room with her. This is the link to another post if  you'd like to read an account of what happened. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bereavement/forum/11508820-realized-...

I've experienced many deaths in my life, but none of them have been like this. Long story short: When I was younger, (Death has happened for my entire life...and I made sense of it in now, seemingly crazy ways) I thought that if I didn't believe that someone was gone, then they weren't, and I wouldn't have to feel the pain that comes with it. When I began high school, I decided to deal with that because I recognized it as unhealthy..and quite honestly, it wasn't helping. I suppressed those feelings, and consequently all feelings. The grief from everyone would hit me all at  once at random times and when other people died. I had to do something. I had to start feeling. In the past couple of years, I've felt feelings again.

It's May. My mother's birthday is the 18th..Mother's day is the 8th. I realized it was may the other day. It felt overwhelming, agonizing, raw, and new all over again...that happens a lot. Sometimes, multiple times a day. Because her death is one of the closest and has really been the first that I've not suppressed, this whole grief thing..no matter how long my relationship has been with it..is new. Not only that, but I'm still developing coping mechanisms for feelings in general...

To the point of my post tonight...well today:
Anyways, it's May. In a nutshell, we, my mother and I, were great when I was younger, then not so great in my teen years, and have become very very close again in the past couple of years. I feel like we had so many years ahead of us. This past Christmas, we had a big talk I guess you could call it. I feel like we finally heard and understood each other. We made peace with the previous years (my teenage years). I remember for the first time, in a long time, actually wanting to buy her something, give her something from me, for Christmas, for her birthday, for Mother's Day. It was going to be great. She's not here for me to be a great daughter again. She was proud of me and she thought I was great, but there's that section in a mother daughter relationship...the teenage years are the ones where you hurt each other's feelings and are quite rotten to each other..of course with great times too...but then after you move out...live apart...you become close again...you become great friends again...okay...that part is supposed to be now.... Sure, we did have the past year and a half or so...before she died...where we were becoming that...but it's not supposed to be that short. 

Her best friend got married last month, we were rushing around doing things, and I was getting frustrated, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I thought to myself, "My mom is supposed to be here...why isn't she here? We're supposed to be arguing and being frustrated with each other..." She wasn't there for me to be embarrassed by at the reception..or for me to put my shoulder on when I got sleepy after it was all over. She's supposed to be here for me to send a card to. For the year and a half before she died...we talked on the phone every day...a few times a day...at least twice..usually more. One of those calls was at least 2 hours long...while I went on a walk. It was a beautiful walk. She wanted to see it. I wanted it to be special and keep to myself, but then I told her I'd been taking pictures at different times of the day to make a scrapbook and show her "my walk" ..I'd wanted it to be her Christmas present..but I hadn't had the money to make it...I wanted to make it for her for another holiday...but now she'll never see it. When she picked me up for Christmas holidays, we were running late, and although she did see my off- campus apartment...the next time she was there, she was going to see my balcony/patio...I forgot to show it to her..I was going to show her around my campus too...Now she'll never get to. 

Mother's day is next weekend...I wanted to send her a card...get her something meaningful...honor her...and the same for her birthday...she doesn't get to be here to be honored...that's not okay with me. I'm only 20...I still need her. We're supposed to have years of friendship ahead of us...I miss her. The stores promotions about Mother's day are everywhere...the internet, signs everywhere, ads in the mail...I feel like it's all just pushing a dagger deeper inside of my chest and twisting it...wrenching it...the calendar saying "May" does that enough...I don't need the whole world screaming it at me too. 

I just miss her. 

Sorry this is so long, apparently I had more on my mind than I thought.