Why does this day hurt the worst? I have been through many holidays and many special occasions but Mothers Day is one of the most painful of all. I havent slept in weeks every little thing makes me cry. I've been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 2 weeks.

.I havent slept for more than a half an hour at a time. It's like the punishment from hell.the nightmares have been so horrific I feel like putting my head through a wall. Cant talk about it cant let anyone see me cry. No onewould understand. Just when you think you have a grip on things wham another hit to the gut. I know I'll get through this I have plenty of times before. The problem is it takes a toll on my body as well as my mind. All this craziness you would think that I killed my children. I have also gained 5 pounds since this began. I refuse to give in to this next trauma. I refuse to let this beat me down. When a person gets this tired  ears echo and ring.things get so magnified. My heart breaks. My soul feels like its being ripped from my body. I have pain everywhere a pain that cant be stopped by a pill or a drink. Writing is my only salvation. My only means of letting it all out. Today I spent the day alone. No big celebrations no cards of love no nothing. My daughter comes home every weekend but not this one. Am I that bad that no body wants to be with me? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe this is what I deserve. After all my father in law did say if I were a better mother kids would still be here. I hate mothers day. When I think of all the mothers who have lost a child I wonder if they too go through this nightmare? I work my butt off trying to make everything good for my family and friends. I struggle everyday  to keep the peace and keep all on a even keel. This  sound very selfish but what about me why do I have to .do all the work while everyone else reaps the benefits? I have been spending my nights  screaming and sweating through the nitemares while everyone else sleeps like a baby. Sounds mean but thats how i feel. Why cant God pitch in and help me sleep? Why dont the medication work for me? In my sleep I watch my child burn and scream for me to help him. I hear the words mommy please help me and I cant do anything about it. I wake up and my skin is red and firery. My brain is like an inferno. I get to the point were I am so afraid to sleep I stay awake for days at a time until exaustion consumes me. but I will survive and this to shall pass. I am strong and I am a survuvor.Do you ever get tired of the fear? The fear of not being able to parent your other kids because your afraid if you say something when they are acting difficult that they too will be taken from you. The fear of waking up and the phone rings again and there it is in your face one more time. This is not ever going to stop it will always be a part of my life so I will manage and I will fight because that is who I am. Stupid mothers day.