It's been 9 days since my Mom passed away. She had recently been diagnosed with COPD and Diverticulitis as well as being diagnosed with Fybromyalgea years before. I always knew this day would come, but was still unprepared just the same. How can one prepare for something like this? She's always on my mind now. I can't really focus on anything else. I'll go to put in a movie and stare at the wall next to the tv the entire time. It's like I'm caught in an in-between now. Lost in the darkness, not knowing how or if I'll get out. I don't know what she died of yet, could be resp. failure, could be heart failure. My sister just told me she had congestive heart failure which my mom didn't tell me. She probably didn't want to upset me or have me more worried than I already was. I know I've got a long road ahead of me and there will be bumps and holes along the way. I know I will have days (like today) where I'm completely swallowed up with sadness. I started writing letters to her the day after she passed away, and it's helped some. She also wrote a lot in various notebooks and I've read those, they have been a blessing. When I read them I feel close to her, like she's still here and talking to me. And there's a part of me at peace because I know she was suffering at the end and had no real quality of life left. She couldn't dress herself by herself, she couldn't bathe by herself, she had lost her ability to walk. She was bed ridden. She kept a couple small notebooks while she was in the nursing home that I've yet to read because my sister has them right now. I know they won't be happy notebooks. I still want to read them though. I'd found a piece of paper where she wrote 'God please let me die.' on it. Then my brother gave me a piece of paper he found that said 'Lord please help me guide Sarah.' She was always worried about me, and now everyone in my family is worried about me. I wish they wouldn't worry so much, I know it comes from love, but I wish they knew that even though this is world shattering to me, I know I'm going to be okay. I've got a son to live for and another little one on the way. Yes, it's a tough, rough road I'm on, but God never puts more on us than we can handle. I know she's watching over me, and I hope she visits me soon. I know I won't ever get over my mom. She was a pivotal role in my life, the center for me. I also know she's still alive within me, because if it weren't for her, there would be no me.